A Honest Couple's Secret 🤫- Episode 16
How honest are you with your partner? Being honest with your partner is one of the most important things you can do to build a solid foundation for each other. In this podcast we talk about the importance and benefits of being honest with one another. Join us, as we dive deep with this topic of honesty.
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QUESTION: What 1 thing can you do to increase trust with your partner today?
MUSIC:
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Akko 0:00
And in addition, to be honest with each other, you have to be able to trust each other that your partner will take it in the best way possible. So I know we mentioned this before, but we really want to stress on this it une duck time with Akko and Tamo.
Tamo 0:13
What does Yuntaku mean? It's an Okinawan word from the islands of Okinawa, which means chitchat. We want to invite you to our kitchen table, and include you in our chit chat to explore new ways of thinking, to welcome different perspectives. And we want to share ideas and how to love yourself. Love your partner, and shower your children with love.
Akko 0:39
This is Episode 16. And the topic of the day is, how honest Are you with your partner. But before we get to that, let's talk about our recent happenings. So recently Tamo got a swing for our daughter. It's a godsend. And she has been loving it so much just because we haven't been able to go to the playgrounds, everything's blocked off. And so you know, we finally just got a swing. And she's been loving it day in day out.
Tamo 1:08
Yeah. And she's been asking us multiple times a day to take her and put her on a swing. So yeah, it's been interesting, right? So we've been pretty much spending a lot of time in the garage just swinging her and I'm happy about that. I'm really glad that she likes it. Because we were still kind of deciding Oh, should we get one? Will she really like it? It's been lasting?
Akko 1:29
Yeah, it's that thing that we got for her that's been keeping her busy.
Tamo 1:32
Yeah, it has. And it's really cute. When when she's on the swing. She goes, we and yeah, I'm sure she's gonna want to go on it tomorrow, too. So I'll be sitting in the garage with her pretty much the whole day.
Akko 1:47
Yeah, exactly. And she says him for a long time. And he really keeps her calm. Like, I don't know if it's like the momentum and just the repetitiveness of the swing, but it really keeps her calm. And
Tamo 1:57
yeah, definitely puts her into a more relaxed state, where she comes out of the swing in a better mood. And I think she feels a lot better after it. So yeah, it's it's great.
Akko 2:06
Yeah, yeah. So moving on to the topic of the day, how honest Are you with your partner? We asked you guys this question. Because it's so important to us.
Tamo 2:16
And for any, any serious relationship.
Akko 2:19
And a lot of times when you ask people that the answer might not be yes. And so that's why we're here to talk about the benefits of being honest with their partner. And another thing that
Tamo 2:29
I want to interject with is that being honest with your partner should be one of the foundations, foundations of your relationship. And from that trust can be built, the relationship can be built to the sky, right. So if you have a foundation that is on very loose soil, you're not going to be able to build your relationship sky high, and take the both of you to heights that you've never even imagined. Yeah. And one thing that I want to also on top of that ad is one way you can tell that you might not be fully honest with your partner is when you talk to your friends, you might say things to them about your partner that you wouldn't say to your partner, that is a big red flag. So if you're not comfortable with saying the same exact thing to your partner, that you would to maybe a friend, a close friend, then Okay, that's something that you were would want to look into. And why is that?
Akko 3:23
Exactly, exactly. Great points again. So let's go deeper about what we mean about honesty. So maybe you can explain to us tomorrow, what honesty means in this
Tamo 3:33
situation? Sure. Yeah. Think about that. So what I mean by honesty in this situation is I want to make sure that we're not using Truth and Honesty interchangeably, right? Truth is a completely different matter, and actually a very difficult topic. So we're not going to go to truth. But we're going to go to honesty, because that is the topic of the day. And honesty is something that is actually not that easy to do. Because to be honest, you need to know yourself very well. Honesty is being able to tell your partner exactly what is happening with you inside for them to not have to read your mind and assume things using all your communication skills to share what is going on with you. Right. So we're not talking about very simple things where Oh, okay, look at that piece of paper. Is that piece of paper, black or white? No, we're talking about things that are happening inside. So for example, can I'm honest with Uncle, I will tell her, okay, I'm in this type of mood right now. So I'm feeling this way. And if it was something that triggered me or I think you should have done it this way, if I tell you, I can preface it with what's going inside so that when the information is communicated to a girl, she has a better well rounded understanding of where I'm coming from. And with this honesty, it also ties into being able to trust each other that we will take whatever we're saying in the best way possible, right. And there are many times that my honesty can hurt. And vice versa, right. And so that's also another skill that you have to develop in the relationship. So maybe we can talk a little bit about how you can kind of navigate sometimes, you know, when something that I say is too sharp,
Akko 5:14
yeah, yeah. So at times what Tamo says can be heavy. And so what you can do is maybe not in that moment, but when things are better, you can bring it up to him, you can bring up the fact like, Hey, you know what I You said it was it was heavy, maybe if you don't mind that you say it this way, next time. And that's a communication, that's very important. And that's the honesty that you need, so that you can develop your relationship, he doesn't know how you're feeling. If you don't say anything, you know, he might not be able to pinpoint where it's coming from. So it is your job, as a partner, you really let him know what you're feeling. You don't need to play games or anything, that's not the point. You need to let them know exactly what you're feeling and how you want it to be relayed to them how you want to be spoken to. And I know deep down that he didn't mean it in that way. And so you just have to let him know so that he can improve on it. That's what we kind of mean by honesty and how you have to communicate that honesty with your partner so that you guys can improve, and you guys can communicate in the best way possible for the both of you guys.
Tamo 6:15
Yeah. And I also want to add that when things like that do happen, and how I would respond to that is to not get defensive. But listen, with an open heart, and putting myself into her shoes, putting myself into how she's feeling, why she's feeling it. And then if I still have questions, asking her so that I can understand as fully as I can, so that I can respond to a girl in a much more productive way, much more caring way, and a much more loving way. I'm here to grow with you together. And then if there are any misunderstandings, we can talk about it and clear everything up. Exactly. And so what seems to be a negative thing at that moment, you can turn that into gold, things are not black and white. It's great. So we were flexible in that understanding and yet also holding in our mind that we are seeing the things as the best way possible, right? And the best way so that we can increase our trust for each other. So we're not making stuff up in our heads. We're not fantasizing. It's a very equanimous calm communication with each other so that we can get to the bottom of it and pull out that weed as soon as we can. Yeah, I
Akko 7:31
agree. Yeah. And like Tom mentioned Yeah, we just have to stay quantum is a beautiful word that now he mentioned a quantum it's just not react to it. Just listen to it.
Tamo 7:39
You want to stay calm. Imagine a completely still like mirror finish. Everything can be seen in that lake, because it's so still is it's like a mirror. Imagine that inside you, whether it be your heart or your mind, if you can keep that as still as possible. That's where really the big changes happen. Yes. And for us, economist is not a common word. We've learned it through a passionate meditation. We went to a 11 day Vipassana meditation where we sat in silence and meditation for 11 straight days, yeah,
Akko 8:10
for 10 hours a day. So woke up at 430 in the morning, yes. 430 in the morning, went straight into meditation. And literally just break meditation, break meditation. I mean, your life was meditation, for your whole 11
Tamo 8:24
days. But we'll definitely talk about this in future episodes, too. But that experience was a really big shift in our lives. And it went into benefiting our whole life, including her childbirth to Yeah, and I
Akko 8:39
can talk about that in another future episode as well. And how it helped me during labor. Yeah,
Tamo 8:45
I mean, yeah, it wasn't an easy one. So
Akko 8:47
no one was that great. Yeah. So I would love to share that with you guys in the future podcasts. So going back to our topic, the benefits. So some of the benefits of being honest, is that you prevent yourself from feeling the shame or guilt that comes with not being honest,
Tamo 9:04
right? And shaming guilt are very heavy emotions. Those are kind of anchors to who you are. So the more shame and guilt you have, you're putting on very heavy anchors to your heart, to your mind. And because of that to your body, because your body will start feeling more sluggish and things like that
Akko 9:23
and feeling those feelings can turn into trauma. And as we had mentioned before, trauma
Tamo 9:29
can when you want to. Sure, yeah, trauma, how we define trauma is something that has happened to you that shouldn't have happened or something that you think should have happened to you but didn't happen. So there's two types of trauma. We got that definition from Gabor Ma Tei. He's a great person to listen to on trauma. So when you have a chance, please check them out. It's Gabor, g a b r ma de ma t he's a I believe he's a practice. I might not be practicing anymore, but he's a psychologist. Yeah, and And fantastic. His work is really great. I mean, we've learned a lot from him integrated a lot of his teachings into our relationship and into our life and into how we raise our child and into many other aspects of our life. So yeah,
Akko 10:14
that's totally yeah, check him out guys.
Tamo 10:17
And also being honest, frees up a lot of your energy, which you can use to love your partner more, right? So the more honest you are, things are free flowing, right? So there's no blocks that keep your energy from flowing forward. Now, if you are not being honest, so let's say for a husband, your wife asks you, how do I live in this? and common culture says you always, as a husband or boyfriend, you always say, Oh, honey, you look great. And that's kind of the common Zeitgeist of
Akko 10:51
Yeah, or your wife is always correct. Right, right. It's like no,
Tamo 10:54
not really, right. But uncle trust me that I will be honest with her. Right. And again, I'm not saying truth. Truth is completely different. I'm honest, in terms of my opinion, the question she poses to me, yes. So by being honest, you can be free, because you're freeing your energy up.
Akko 11:13
Yeah, yeah. And your partner can build more trust in you because you're being honest. And like Tamo had mentioned before, trust is the big foundation in a relationship. Right. Right, exactly.
Tamo 11:23
And, of course, you want to make sure that we're understanding this very in a more flexible way. So I'm not saying you are so honest, that you're nitpicking about everything. That's not honesty, that's just being nitpicky. Yeah. Right. So that's the balance that you have to work on with your partner. Right? And if it's something that really is bugging you, yes. You should be honest about that. But you're not going to say, hey, there's a piece of dust here, when he clean this, oh, I feel bad about it. You know, I mean, there are limits to honesty. And so being nitpicky that will turn the positive trust into something negative. So you want to make sure that you're striking this balance and not taking things so black and white, that, oh, they're saying you have to be honest, I'm going to be honest, no, that's not honesty, that's something different. So make sure that you are thinking in a very flexible way. And the things that you are trying to communicate is worthy of being communicated. Maybe that's another way that I can say,
Akko 12:23
yeah, if it's something that's not going to really improve the relationship, then there's no need to but if you let partner know that's going to improve a relationship with someone made a great point, like don't be nitpicky about this, because yeah, I can turn that positive into a negative. And in addition, to be honest with each other, you have to be able to trust each other, that your partner will take it in the best way possible. So I know you mentioned this before, but we really want to stress on this, your partner is honest with you, because they care about you, they love you. And so you have to trust that they're coming from a place where they want to see you grow to the best version of yourself. And that's why they're being honest with you. And that's probably another point you marry the person that's gonna make you become that best version of yourself. And that's really why you marry your partner, not because of He's good looking, you know, not one of those superficial things is something deeper, you marry the person, because this person is going to get you to that height of being that better version of yourself, and they're going to get you there. But in order for them to get you there, they have to be honest with you, and you have to be able to trust them that they're coming from the best place possible so that you can get there. Yeah, I
Tamo 13:33
agree with that. Definitely. And even for us, too, as we mature in the relationship as we grow as individuals in the relationship and together in the relationship, it is we trust each other to take what we say in the best way possible. And sometimes if we feel that we are not able to see the positive, that's not been the case in in the last many, many years. But then that should open up another conversation.
Akko 13:58
Yeah, it's an opportunity. And it's an invitation to talk about that. Right,
Tamo 14:01
exactly. And so if there are any feelings of negativity, or if you're just feeling Oh, very bad about what had happened, then bring that up and have that as a conversation. Yeah. Because conversations and communication is the tool you can use to understand each other even more.
Akko 14:18
Yeah. 100%. And don't be afraid to bring up the things or partner. And if you are afraid, you should question why is that and bring that up to your partner? And don't be afraid.
Tamo 14:27
Yeah. And that might be a great opening to just if you feel that you really cannot be honest. Maybe bringing that up. You know, I want to be a lot more honest with you and kind of work that together. And maybe they can open up a little bit more just by little by little opening that up and seeing where you guys go. Yeah,
Akko 14:45
yeah. 100%. Again,
Tamo 14:47
if this is a sensitive topic to you guys, maybe just take it little by little, just talk about Okay, let's just talk about it for five minutes. That's it and then come back to it some other day and just open that little by little so that you can slowly Integrate yourself into being more honest, or even talking about being honest with each other because that itself might trigger something. And again, think we've mentioned in the past, if something triggers you, there's something there for you to work on.
Akko 15:13
Yeah. And that means you should question Why is this?
Tamo 15:16
Why am I being triggered?
Akko 15:18
Yeah. So that's a question that we ask ourselves a lot, too. Although it is very normal. I asked myself multiple times, sometimes a day. And so it's your job to be able to ask yourself that question. And you know, a lot of times you might not be able to answer that, and it's okay. You just need to plant that seed in yourself that, oh, this was a trigger point. I wonder why. And then sometimes maybe like a few months later, it just pops into your head, and you have your answer.
Tamo 15:45
Right. So that's part of putting awareness to what's bugging you, right? So triggers are something that bothers you, or you may get angered. It's a reaction instead of response. So I just want to talk about that just a little bit of reaction is something that is unconscious. So if someone says a certain thing, and you automatically get angry, that's a reaction, right? You don't want to react, you want to respond in a calm and collected way. And for that to happen. Triggers have to be looked at, understood. And then finally, let go
Akko 16:21
100% so what one thing can you do to increase trust with your partner today,
Tamo 16:28
we'd love to hear from you. Please comment on our YouTube channel by searching Yuntaku time Alright, till next time, take care.
Akko 16:35
Bye