How to Help Your Children Cope with Emotions -Episode 22
Want your child/children to be able to regulate their emotions in a healthy way? If so, it starts with the parents. Parents can help regulate their children's emotional more than they think. How we react to our children’s emotions impacts the development of their emotional intelligence. Better emotional intelligence is a predictive factor in wellbeing and happiness later in life. In this podcast, we talk about simple steps in helping your child/children regulate their emotions. Join us as we dive deep into the topic of regulating our child/children's emotions.
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TIMESTAMP:
►00:00 - Intro
►00:15 - What does Yuntaku mean?
►00:55 - Recent Happenings: Lost car keys
►03:24 - TOPIC: How parents can help their children with emotional self-regulation.
►04:22 - Regulating your child's emotions is by regulating your own emotions
►07:14 - Parents need to go on Time Out. Child/Children need to go on Time in
►13:17 - Steps in regulating the child's emotions
►15:02 - Shows unconditional love
►16:58 - Children learn to manage their emotions by watching the parents - Role Models
►18:03 - Children are sensitive and can feel the parents' energy
QUESTION: What's the most difficult emotion for you to help your child regulate?
MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com
#consciousparenting #consciouscouple #riseinlove #realizeyourtruenature
Podcast Transcription
The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.
Tamo 0:00
So let's take a deep breath. Okay, another breath.
Akko 0:11
It's Yuntaku time with Akko and Tamo.
Tamo 0:15
What does Yuntaku mean? It's an Okinawan word from the islands of Okinawa, which means we want to invite you to our kitchen table, and include you in our chit chat, to explore new ways of thinking, to welcome different perspectives.
Akko 0:33
And we want to share ideas and how to love yourself. Love your partner can shower your children with love. This is Episode 22. And the topic of the day is how parents can help their children with emotional self regulation.
Tamo 0:49
Before we get started, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. ocho. Now take us into our recent happenings.
Akko 0:57
Yeah, so recently, we had lost our car key. And it's one of those smart key car keys. And we were a little stressed, because for one, we don't have a spare key. I don't
Tamo 1:10
even know where that one went. Within the key fob. There's an actual physical key in there. So we didn't have either we didn't have a spare key. And we were looking all over the house like every all over from the garage to the just everyone trash. Yeah, we look through the trash. Pick it up.
Akko 1:26
Yeah. And I mean, it's funny how we found out because I was I was gonna go to work. And then I was like, Where's my key, and then I just had to have tumble just dropped me off. So we had to just strap in our daughter. And we're like, let's go.
Tamo 1:40
Yeah, is is pretty funny. And you know, we were like, Okay, well, we just find it later. And then we've been looking for pretty much the whole day today too. And because of that I'm already primed to, like, when I see my pants or any pockets. I'm like, Okay, I need to check all these pockets. And even after we found the keys, I was asking myself, okay, have I checked those pockets before, it was really interesting. But one thing that we want to share with you, and hopefully, you can learn from our mistakes. So if you don't have spare car keys, maybe it's time that you make one and keep it in a special place that you'd always remember. And especially for cars that need these key fobs to start because it has a sensor. It does cost quite a bit. So yeah, it will be an investment. But it's probably better than having to go through the toe. Yeah, taking it to a dealership and for the dealership to charge your arm and a leg and
Akko 2:34
your eye and know exactly Not to mention this dress that comes with it. Exactly. Yeah.
Tamo 2:39
But all is good now.
Akko 2:41
Yeah. And oh, we also found out while we're trying to search for this that we wanted to invest in, what is that called?
Tamo 2:47
Oh, yes, yes, it's called tile. And what it is, is a another form that goes onto your key chain. It's a square tile, it's called tile. And it's Bluetooth enabled. And it allows you to look for missing keys, or whatever you want, you can put it on anything. And that would help you find your keys if you ever lose it, because I guess there's a map or something that pops up in the app that you'd have on your phone and show you where this whatever you connected this tile to is so yeah, it'd be pretty cool. We're thinking about it. And we'll be looking into it a lot more. So
Akko 3:20
yeah, we'll let you know. Alright, so let's get back to it. So the topic of the day is how parents can help their children with emotional self regulation. So what does that exactly mean? So one important thing is how we react to our children's emotions impacts the development of their emotional intelligence. And one thing about emotional intelligence is that better emotional intelligence is a predictive factor in well being and happiness later in life.
Tamo 3:49
So what we're trying to say here is how we react to our children's emotion impacts the development of their emotional intelligence. So what that means is, for example, if your child is angry, and you respond with anger, it doesn't really necessarily help your child regulate their emotion. In fact, it might actually make it worse. Because if you take this example of fighting, anger, with anger, just even in adult communication, so if you're already angry and someone is angry at you, of course, the anger gets even more fueled. So what we're trying to say here is As parents, we want to help regulate our children's emotions as best as possible. But for that, we also need to regulate our own emotions when dealing with our children because emotional regulation in itself is
Akko 5:02
So what thomasine is the way the parent reacts emotionally to the child and distress or whatever emotions are going through can directly impact their emotions in a very either negative or even positive way, depending on how you react to it. So one important thing that we like to stress on is that parents have to be very aware of the motion and the energy that we are carrying, we did a podcast where we talk about how we deal with stress, and it's called unusual ways of dealing with stress. So I encourage everyone to listen to that so that we, as parents should be aware of the emotion and the energy that we're carrying at any moment, right? Because children
Tamo 5:40
are a lot more sensitive, just like we say, you know, thick skinned, thin skinned children literally have thinner skin than adults. And it's the same for the hearts of children, they have thinner skin, and I would even venture on to say, a lot more pure. And because of that purity, they don't have as many filters as US adults do. And so when they're going through outbursts, we need to teach them how to best regulate these emotions so that not only can they understand what they're going through, because they might be going through anger without knowing it. They're just yelling and screaming, but they don't know what it is. And so can you imagine that frustration and just to sidetrack a little bit, we've taught our daughter sign language. And so they're able to listen and understand before they're able to say words. So we want to give our daughter more communication tools before physically the vocal cords were developed enough. And so by teaching her sign language, she was able to tell us she's hungry, she wants milk.
Akko 6:42
Now, there's a lot we taught her that she wants water change, just the basic needs that she needs to know to communicate with us. And that alleviated a lot of stress between us.
Tamo 6:52
And of course, it doesn't make it all of a sudden, magically zero stress, but it still gives her an outlet to express herself. If she's hungry. She can tell us she's hungry. She wants milk, she's can tell us she wants milk. So that type of teaching helps the child cope and also learn faster because they're able to communicate with the parents. Now similar to that by teaching your child emotional regulation, then they start to understand a I'm going through anger, this is anger. This is anger, what anger feels like. So it's really also a positive thing that during everyday situations, you're teaching your child the emotion that they're going through. And if you're going through emotions, you can also explain that, Oh, mama and dad are frustrated right now. And maybe just a little bit about the why it doesn't have to be much just because we want to just really name that emotion. If your child is going through that emotion, or it looks like you're angry right now. And so in order to teach emotional regulation, everyday situations are the perfect time to teach this. So you can always be teaching, you don't have to sit them down just like a classroom to teach them emotional regulation, you can teach emotional regulation as things are happening, right. So if your son or daughter is angry, frustrated, you can name it by saying things like, Oh, I know you're angry. And then as parents, maybe you can say mom and dad are angry right now or frustrated right now. And you can share a little bit of the why it doesn't have to be long, just a quick why and then show them how to regulate the emotion for us. We usually teach our daughter by breathing, we both breathe together we go, Okay, let's breathe in deep we go. And then go. The reason we actually add the is by doing that when our daughter copies that, she has to say, ah, and that allows her to exhale. That's why we teach her that way. So we go. And of course, it's exaggerated. But in order to teach our daughter, we have to exaggerate what we're trying to do. And so we're always like, Okay, it looks like you're angry. So let's take a deep breath. Okay, another breath. We'll do that around five times. It helps us relax even more, and then share that relaxation with our daughter. So it's really interesting, isn't it?
Akko 9:19
Yeah, absolutely. So to reiterate what Tamo mentioned, those breathing exercises really help us and our daughter more so us and what we want to point out is regulating a child's emotions can be helped by regulating your own emotions. So what does that mean? It really means that say the kids are going through a tantrum, and a lot of times people put them on timeout, and that might not be the healthiest way to deal with that. And it should really be not really a timeout for the children for the child but really for our timeout for the parents so that the parents themselves can regulate their system before they can act upon what the child is going through. Because if you're angered like Tom woman And earlier, it's not going to make the child feel any better if they're also frustrated or anger, it's only teaching them if their anger than the other person needs to be angered. And it's not the best way of teaching the child to deal with their emotions. So as a parent, you need to give yourself that timeout so that you can regulate your system during that time. And so just a quick few seconds of you really dealing with their emotions just internally, what am I going through? Okay, do I need to take a deep breath and like Tamo mentioned before, if you need to take a deep breath, take a deep breath, you just tell the child Mama's really angered right now. It's like five out of 10, possibly Mama's gonna take a few deep breaths, let's do it together. And that shows the child how you regulate your system. And you're just pretty much modeling what needs to happen in order for them to regulate their system. And I also
Tamo 10:48
want to add to the timeout, so timeouts can seem like a okay idea, especially just because we've been programmed culturally to do timeouts instead of maybe spanking the child or whatever it used to be. But the perspective that we want to take is the perspective of what the child is seeing. So if your child is exhibiting an emotion, let's say anger, and so the child is angered, maybe just frustrated because they're hungry, or maybe they didn't get what they wanted, or whatnot, they're frustrated. And when they're going through that emotion, if they're given a timeout, what does that mean to the child, the child needing support from the parent, the parent goes, nope, it's timeout. So you go over there, or the parents love is withheld during that time of timeout. So what that's teaching is, hey, when you're outburst, you don't get my love. And that's not what we want to teach our child because we're humans, and we're meant to feel emotions. And so what we want to have is a healthy process of emotions, right? So let's take another example. So grief, let's say you lost a loved one. And if you decide to cover up that pain, that grief that you're going through, maybe by keeping yourself busy, or you know, working extra hard, or maybe it's having another extra few drinks a night, just because you don't want to think about it, maybe it's watching more TV, if that's the case, you're going to be keeping the process of that emotion of grief from happening. And what that means is it will stay in your system much longer and maybe leave an imprint subconsciously. Whereas if you decide to be very aware, and conscious about the process of grief, being okay with being sad, being in pain, and just watching it happen, and processing it talking to other loved ones, and sharing what you're going through, can accelerate the emotional process how things happen, and you'll end up being a lot more healthier, emotionally, mentally. And finally, even physically, and just like that, we want to teach our children to be able to name that emotion, and then be able to watch and process that motion so that they can stay healthy. And like we mentioned in the beginning, the better emotional intelligence that we have. It's a strong predictor of well being and happiness in life. And that's a really big gift that we can give our children as they grow up.
Akko 13:16
So let's dive deep as far as how we can regulate your child's emotion in a healthy way. So first of all, as we mentioned, you want to identify the emotions by naming it. So if they are angry, you name it, you say, I know you're angry, if they're frustrated, I know you're frustrated. And this is to help the child really learn how each emotion feels and looks. And so you can put a name to a feeling. And that's what you're really doing. Because they don't really know what they're going through. They just know that they're going through something bad. They don't like how they're feeling. And so what you're doing is you're just naming it for them identifying it so that they can feel what anger feels like. And they can see how these emotions work within themselves. And using you this every day. Because we're going through emotions every day. So point out these emotions to your children, yourself as you interact with them.
Tamo 14:08
And also, one thing that I want to mention is you also want to name positive emotions to absolutely It looks like you're happy, or it looks like you're excited, yay. And you can be excited with them or be happy with them.
Akko 14:20
Absolutely. And so when they get older, you probably want to read it for them. You know, it's about five out of 10. So they just start getting used to reading their emotions. And so usually for toddlers like our daughter, you wouldn't read her because she was just wouldn't even know how that works. So this is more for older kids. And the next thing you want to do is do a why and keep this short and simple. The child doesn't really need to know that really elaborate explanation of why they're going through this because most likely it's just going to go over their head. So you're just gonna have to say I know you're frustrated. Let's say the remote control was taken away from them. So I know you're frustrated because the remote control was taken away from you. I understand mama or dad has with you and you pretty much show them You're with them, no matter what emotion they're going through, you don't want to really teach their child that the parents are only with them when they're happy or excited or a little love. Yes, because I'll make it conditional. And you they want to show your child that you have unconditional love for them, and no matter what emotions are going through, so whether they're angry or frustrated, you still love them. And that's one way of showing this unconditional love and a way of having them understand what unconditional love is, as well.
Tamo 15:27
And one thing that I also want to add is, Aqua does a fantastic job with our daughter, and she always closes it off with a I love you and nice hug. And this is for even when our daughter is you know, melting down and screaming, crying, she does that for her. And I'm learning that too. And more and more that's becoming a norm so that our daughter knows that we love her. It's not about the emotion that whatever our daughter is going through, we still love her. And we're teaching her that emotion. And it's okay to feel those emotions. And the more she understands, the more she can start to self regulate.
Akko 16:01
Exactly, exactly. So Tamo just said self regulate. So really the most important thing right here, when you're identifying the emotion they're going through when you're reading it when they get older, or for older kids, and when you're telling the why you yourself have to be very calm and not reacting to the emotion or the meltdown, whatever they're going through. If it is negative, you yourself have to be calm and equanimous. And yeah,
Tamo 16:25
especially for when your child is angry or frustrated. Those times are hard just because, you know when they're screaming and crying really loud, you know, your ears hurt, things like that. It's even more difficult to regulate yourself. But just think about it for yourself. If your child is angry, and you tell your child I know you're angry. Of course, that's that's even more difficult for the child, just calming yourself down and staying in a quantum is really calm state to say, Hey, you know, I understand that you're angry or frustrated. And it's okay. It's a really great way to teach your child because your children learn to manage their emotions by watching us as parents. Absolutely, yes. And so we need to serve as role models for emotional regulation. And in my psychology studies in college, we learned about a study called the Bobo doll experiment, what they did was the researchers separated children into two groups. One group was a group that saw the researchers verbally abused and physically abused a doll. And of course, the kids that saw that they were physically and verbally abusive to this doll too, whereas the other wasn't like that at all. So that shows you how much these things really affect children. So they're always watching the parents for cues and learning because the main teachers for children are the parents. And because children are sponges, they're learning so much so quickly. And they're always watching us, we're their parents, and thus their role models. And so we want to be the best role models we can be, so that our children can learn how to best process these emotions that come up.
Akko 18:02
Exactly. And one other thing that we wanted to mention is that children are very sensitive and can feel our energy, perhaps better than ourselves, or even our partner. And so what we mean by that is they are very keen on sensing whatever emotion or energy or caring. So let's say I'm a little frazzled today, because of that, because your child is feeling that energy of the anxiousness or that agitation, they themselves will be agitated or anxious themselves, or they will show it in their own way. But in obviously, it's a negative emotion. So they're going to show their own negative emotion in that same way, if that makes sense.
Tamo 18:41
And so what we tried to do is we ask each other, for example, if our daughter is acting up a little bit more than usual, we ask ourselves a do I feel a little more agitated or anxious today? And we would do that for each other? And we, you know, give each other feedback? Yeah, I do feel it or no, actually, no. And if that's the case, maybe our daughter is going through, you know, she's been going through teaching for a very long time. I think we're finally crossing our fingers and hoping that you know, she's past that portion. But you know, it can be many other things. Now, we're starting to find out when she's hungry, she gets hangry. And when we asked her, Hey, are you hungry? She goes, yes, I'm hungry. And when we feed her, she starts to feel a lot better. Yeah. So then that's how we can start to check off things that are not and things that could be potentially causing these issues. So yeah, it's real feedback or each other feedback for the parents. So we talk to each other. Okay, how are we feeling? Am I a little agitated today? Do you feel it and get feedback? And okay, it was me. I was throwing around that agitation. Fine. Let's look at it, process it. And the data is good to go or Mama's good to go.
Akko 19:46
Exactly. Exactly. So one important thing that we can do just a really quick thing is before we wake up and get out of bed, we can scan our body, see what type of emotion we're feeling. See whatever feeling or emotions we're feeling that day. Just To start off the day just to see if everything's okay. And just to be aware of our emotions.
Tamo 20:05
One thing that I want to also add to it is don't add judgment to how you're feeling, right. So if you wake up and you're in a bad mood, you're in a bad mood, that's fine. As long as you know, you're in a bad mood, that itself helps a lot. And so don't feel bad about feeling bad, right? So if you're like, Oh, it's so bad to feel angry or frustrated or anxious, then it adds another layer of difficulty in processing that emotion. So set aside all judgments. It's all good. Name it and then, Hey, take a few deep breaths, I would say at least like five times, because one deep breath, it at least for me, it doesn't work as well as taking like five deep breaths. Sometimes, Hey, take a little bit more, and you really do feel a lot better your body starts to regulate itself. And then the emotional system starts to come online, and then you mentally start to feel better. So yeah,
Akko 20:56
yeah, thank you for bringing that up. Now, no judgement for sure. Because you want to just own your emotions. Yeah, and it's normal. I mean, we're human, we can always be happy. You know, one reason why we can feel happy is because there's a bad there's there's other side. That's why we can feel what happy is and really appreciate our happy state of being and also the better you get at identifying your emotions and feeling these emotions, you'll start to see that negative emotions pass through quicker and with less Barb's what I mean, by Barb's is it's not as sticky, and it doesn't stick around as much. And then you'll start to see that you'll
Tamo 21:33
experience more and more positive emotions during your day. And that's a process it will take time, but continued to do this work of figuring out how you're feeling. And for bonus points, why you're feeling it, maybe it's just as simple as you needed some exercise, or deep breathing, or maybe it's diet, you know, you might need to clean up your diet and all these things will start to pop up once you start to really get into tune with how you're feeling. So
Akko 22:01
yeah, so just to wrap it up, I just want to quickly go over how to regulate your child's emotions. So one, you want to identify the emotion, you name it, too. If they're old enough, you want to read it for them. Three, you want to give them a short why as to why they're feeling this way, just a sentence or two, nothing more than that. And then let them know that you're there for them. And this shows unconditional love. So that really sums it up for us as far as how you can help regulate your child's emotion and always check in with yourself first.
Tamo 22:33
And for bonus points. Tell them I love you and give them a hug.
Akko 22:37
Exactly. So our question to you is, what's the most difficult emotions for you to help your child to regulate?
Tamo 22:46
We'd love to hear from you. Please come say hi on our new website by going to Yuntaku time.com. We're looking forward to hearing from you. Take care
Akko 22:56
Bye