The Circle of Life about Death and Dying - Episode 73

In this episode, we explore the sensitive topic of death and dying, reflecting on recent personal experiences with the passing of a family member. We discuss the emotional and practical challenges faced during this time, including navigating the healthcare system, the importance of advocating for patients, and the different ways people experience and deal with grief. Additionally, we share our own encounters with death, and offer insights into how to support loved ones and oneself during the grieving process. We also touch upon explaining death to young children in a comprehensible manner. Join us as we dive deep in the topic of death and dying.

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TIMESTAMP:
►00:00 - Intro
►00:26 - Recent Happening: This is the first remote episode of Akko and Tamo
►01:07 - TOPIC: The Circle of Life about Death and Dying 
►02:22 - Navigating the Healthcare System
►05:45 - Embracing Death and Compassion
►06:51 - Resolving All Issues, Letting go
►08:09 - Writing a Letter
►11:52 - Explaining Death to Young Children
►14:02 - Mystical Experience Surrounding Death
►16:40 -  Preciousness of Life and Supporting Loved Ones
►17:36 - Reaching out Sooner than Later
►22:20 - Supporting our Loved Ones

QUESTION: What are your thoughts on death?

MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com

#deathanddying #howthedealwithdeath #consciousparenting #realizeyourtruenature

Podcast Transcription

The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.

Tamo: This is episode 73.

Akko: And the topic of the day is the circle of life about death and dying. And before we get started, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. Now let's get back to our recent happening. recently this is our first episode doing like a zoom type of call.

Tamo: Yeah, this is our first remote podcast.

So congratulations for being with us on our first zoom podcast. Thank you.

Akko: Yeah.

And the reason kind of connects to today's topic and I am in California right now. Akko is at home in Hawaii and I'm here in California because my uncle passed and to support the whole process I flew out and then. In a week or so Akko and our children will be flying out too.

That's why we're here, and so with that let's get into today's topic of the day, which is the circle of life about death and dying, and just before we really get started I want to say that the topic of death can be quite, sensitive and triggering also, and from our perspective with Akko and myself, we're quite comfortable with death. Akko is an RN. So she's seen that in her family and things like that. And Have been experiencing death and thought about death quite a bit, prior to even the current happening with my uncle passing.

And so I wanted to, preface this podcast by saying that yes it can be triggering, but, just listen to this podcast with a, open heart and, not to let things bubble up too much. If it does, just let it go. And maybe it's a great opportunity for you to look into death and try to understand what death means to you.

Akko: And think about what you were taught about death and kind of questioning those things and going beyond that and having your own beliefs around death. And also what I want to say is it's okay to not know what happens after death and that's one thing that I wanted to share.

Yeah.

Tamo: And yeah leading up to this up to this, Apco was really awesome. I'm helping both my uncle and my aunt go through the hospital system, which was quite a difficult time. Maybe you can talk. Yeah.

Akko: Yeah. , it can be quite frustrating not knowing how the healthcare system works.

And especially with insurance that just add like a different type of stress if you have a certain type of insurance. The insurance sometime pushes the hospital to be like, hey, this patient needs to be discharged but you know the patient's obviously not. Not fully ready, but things like that happen. Or there's a lot of questions, that the family needs to be answered. Sometimes they forget because the doctors are super they're in a hurry. They see so many patients, right? And so i had to help our aunt and then our uncle really go through that process and just help them because, once those providers, The primary nurse, the your doctor at the hospital understand that there is a family member on board that kind of knows the medical system, it helps with the unity of things cause then you understand where they're coming from, but then you can be more of a patient advocate than if you really don't know anything about the medical field, because it can really be a scary place. It's a scary, it can be a scary thing because, you don't know what you can do, what you can't ask, or, you don't really know that much if you haven't really been in the system

Tamo: i think that's a great point. And that's why, experiencing this first hand, Akko had been working at a hospital as an RN, but when it comes to family that had no clue what was going on the nurse is, technically the patient advocate. It's just not enough.

It seemed like there actually needed to be another step. You were right in between the nurse, the doctor, and then my aunt and uncle. And yeah, it was really something that I thought maybe there could be like a business around someone who is a patient advocate, really looking after the best for the patient.

And it was really sad that people have to go through this and, not everyone has a nurse or doctor in the family to be able to help in these situations, right? And so I really felt compassion towards people who don't have this and have to just get kicked around in the system.

Right.

Akko: Yeah. And just learn through Like trial and error, right? And it's sad. So it's really nice to have a liaison, like a patient liaison, like just to see, just to, be able to, okay, this person can talk to the providers and, get, get their input and then speak their language and then they can go back to the patient and then speak in their language and be able to explain everything and just have everything run a little more smooth. And yeah, we were talking about oh, there can be a business around this, and yeah, I know. Yeah.

Tamo: And we're saying business in a way of it really actually helps people through the system. And like Akko mentioned, trial and error.

And, a lot of the times when it comes to these health issues, The errors could be lethal, right? It's not playing a game where you can make a lot of errors and you're still okay. You it's game over and you just push the reset and start again. It's not like that.

It's your life. And yeah I felt that it could be a really great service that can be offered to people.

Akko: If

Tamo: you have experience in the medical field, maybe you can think about creating a business like that.

Akko: Right.

Tamo: And talking about like the medical system Going through the difficulties there. I also want to say during these times, of course, there's many different types of death, right? There's these deaths that happen like accidentally and boom, all of a sudden they're gone. Sometimes it's a really long, prolonged process. For my uncle, he had cancer and it. Gradually built up and, at the end, it just really picked up speed.

And then there are other people who may take a real long time to go through . The dying process. And there's a lot of stress and sadness, grief, maybe even anger that triggers you and your family members. And I think this is completely normal because during stressful times and, death, it really brings up a lot of things for people.

And I just wanted to say, be compassionate not only compassionate to yourself. Your family members, but you also want to be compassionate to yourself too especially in these really stressful times. That's something that we kept in mind and making sure that If we get triggered really are self aware that that's happening and really letting things go and something that I wanted to share is if you have any issues with this person that is dying and of course if it's accidental death and like it was completely unexpected, this is something different.

But for people who do have a little bit of time to say the goodbyes if you do have any issues, I would say, let that go let it go. And not only that, if it was very clear that you and the person passing had some issues just let them know that, Hey I let it go. It's all good. We're cool with each other.

And I love you. And It's all good. That's something that I would like to share. And for me fortunately, I didn't have any issues like that, but I was able to tell him hey no matter what happened, it's going to be okay. And I'm here because I want to be here and I love you. And I was able to really fully open and then let my uncle know that, that I love him.

And hey, my love is with you. And also, sometimes for example, maybe more the accidental death or sudden deaths. Maybe there was something that you wanted to talk to them about. And I think Akko can speak to that. We're writing a letter to that person.

Akko: Yeah. Yeah, writing a letter as far as what you wanted to tell that person helps with the whole grieving process, right?

Because my dad he passed away unexpectedly. He had a cardiac arrest, which pretty much means your heart just stopped. He had a a list full of diseases that he had. He wasn't the healthiest person, but he was healthy in his own way, a few days before he had passed he was feeling really sick, like kind of flu like symptoms.

So we were thinking he had just the flu, but in any case, his heart stopped. So then he had passed away suddenly. And I was pretty I was okay with his death because I had already prepared myself for his death because I knew with all the health problems that he had he wouldn't be living that long.

I'd be very surprised if he does it would be like a miracle if he did, and, which I was hoping on that miracle, but obviously that didn't happen, and so I was already preparing myself for that.

I was preparing myself. And I let him know, I love him and all these things like here and there, and just to preface this, like Asian families really don't say, I love you or anything. So I made sure, but obviously the second generation people were a little more accustomed to the, Hey, I love you.

And the hugs and everything, but. The first generation, unfortunately, they're not super all touchy lovey dovey, maybe when the kids were younger, but not when they get older. So I was able to say I love you, thank you for everything,

I had written a letter to him before he passed. And so I just had written the letter that I wanted to give to him. And then I just put it in the during the funeral, I slipped it in the coffin. But you don't have to even do that. You can just write it yourself and then you can even crumble it and then Burn it up or do whatever you want in encouraging the feelings that you have and just letting it out on paper so that your feelings are out in the open.

And so you can be a little more free with that. It's not eating you up inside instead. It's all out on paper. So that's not in your body anymore. And so you can do something like that, if that helps you, writing a letter, my mother had also, I had suggested that to her.

And so she had written a letter too, and I think she felt a lot better, it's cause it's all about just pushing your feelings to that person. Whether, if you wanted to say something. If it was a sudden death and even if it wasn't a sudden death, if you just weren't able to say something like it's a perfect way to say it,

Tamo: I think that's great.

And you've also recommended that for my aunt.

Akko: Yep. So she said, yeah, I'll think about what I can say and whatnot. She was able to say a lot of what she was thinking to our uncle. So that was really good.

And that's like the first step of. Dealing with a death in the family, right? When you already know this person is terminally ill, you mentally prepare yourself. So in those situations, I feel like you're a little more blessed as a family because you can prepare and you can say the things, or, you can do a lot of things because you know what's going to happen in the next few weeks or a few days or a few months, and so you can prepare yourself . And it's like a weird way of looking at it, but it is a blessing because you can plan ahead in a sense, right? And you can prepare yourself for that grieving process and ease your way into it. A death is always so tough. It's always so difficult.

Tamo: And that's why when a death happens, it's really important for the surviving to be able to let go as much as possible to and not let it might be anger or sadness or just feeling bad that maybe you couldn't do enough for the person, things like that, just letting all that stuff go and freeing yourself also.

And not having guilt really build up inside of you.

Akko: Yeah, because guilt can really eat you up inside. And honestly ultimately, it had already happened. So you have to just let it go. Unfortunately we can't really go back in the past as much as we want to.

Tamo: Exactly. And so this is a parenting podcast. And for our children, they're still very young, three and five. And so for us as parents what we did is explained death at least for me, I explained death.

to my children that uncle's body was breaking down and it wasn't working that well. And once the body breaks down, then the body stops and can't say hi to him anymore. And so just comparing it to a toy so a toy that they Love to play with if it breaks what happens they're not going to be able to play with it any longer another way I mentioned it to them is like When the battery of the body just ran out.

So the battery ran out and that kind of also makes sense for the kids just because you know They have a toy that's battery powered and obviously when the battery runs out the toy that no longer moves And so that's how I explained it and maybe you can share with everyone what you said to the kid.

Akko: Yeah. Pretty much. I was just piggy back off of what you were saying and it really helped it's like you do this like really super fast motion and all of a sudden , you do this like slow motion, . And so I just explain it pretty much in the same way you did.

And, so they just throw around the word like here and there, like death here. Oh, did he die? Did he, but obviously children don't really have that concept of this person is not going to come back anymore. I think they do, but I don't know if they like fully I don't think they're able to really conceptually get it.

But as they get older, they'll understand like, Oh, this person's not going to come back anymore. And, they'll probably understand the heaviness of death. But right now, they just need to know, more of the general, right?

Because we don't have to literally pass on and transfer the sad energy to them. Exactly.

Tamo: Yeah.

Akko: Yeah. If we don't, if they're not feeling it.

Tamo: Yeah. And we both agree on that. And at the same time, not shying away from the topic of death at all.

So when asked, we answer to the best of our ability, and I think that's been an important thing because we've Akko and I have talked about death, experienced death, and not make it a taboo subject. Instead, hey we're okay with talking about it and kinda delving deep into it. Death.

And with that I want to maybe we can share some kind of interesting mystical experiences that we've had prior to our uncle passing.

So I had a mystical experience prior to my uncle passing, and then Akko had a mystical experience after he passed. Prior to him passing, I had a vision of energy around him. I had a vision of that, and that energy, I felt that it was his older brother who had transitioned over and also my grandparents, which are his parents looking after him.

Tamo: And it was a very warm energy, just it felt like they were just overlooking the process. So it wasn't anything negative or scary or anything like that. Instead, it was more reassuring. And for me, having that vision, it really reassured me that he's going to be okay. And that family was already waiting and ready to, help him through the process.

And interestingly after he passed, maybe about an hour later, because obviously the death happened in California and then Akko is in Hawaii she didn't know. She didn't know he passed. But after he passed Akko had a mystical experience. In Hawaii.

Akko: Yeah. And so I had texted Tamo Hey I have this vision.

I don't know if you can call it a vision, but pretty much I was driving somewhere. And all of a sudden there was like tears that were like flowing down my cheeks and I was like, Oh, what's going on. And then I can feel, I can actually see what I'm feeling, right?

So I can see our uncle is like sitting in the passenger seat, super happy, really light, like just full of light and just really happy. And he's letting me know Hey, thank you for all that you did. because towards the end, I really did help out a lot. Like I was checking in every day, talking to the nurse, talking to the physician.

Like I was really involved in their, medical journey. And yeah, he was like, thank you so much for everything that you did. Hey, please take care of everyone. And I said, okay. Yeah. And I was like, pretty much no worries. That you just take care of yourself now and just, you enjoy and he was just like, yeah, okay, I am and then he was just smiling like right next to me, I can like vividly see it.

It was really amazing. And so right after I saw him, I didn't physically see him, but I can like, See him through my senses, if that makes sense. And so I just texted Tamo Hey, I had this vision of him being here. And then soon after he's like, he passed away.

And I was like, Oh, so he must have, after he passed away, he must have traveled here, just to say his last goodbyes or, just to send that message to me. So it was really sweet. And. Yeah, it's really amazing. How death works, none of us really know exactly how it works because obviously it's not like they come back from the dead and they can let us know what happens.

But yeah, I know there's near death experiences and that's like a whole different like story there, but yeah, so it's a really interesting, how You know, death is such a, sensitive topic and a lot of stigma around it. But it's such a, also a beautiful thing when people live their life and, just remember all the memories that they had.

Tamo: And I think that's a really good point too. Death is that transition, right? And Making whatever time they have left, just really enjoying and just having a good time here.

Akko: Yeah, for sure. And I guess because of death your life is so much more precious, right?

That's why they say, okay, live your life to the fullest. People say YOLO, but there's all these things, right? Because. Death is eminent, right? It's gonna happen, but we don't know when. So it"s so interesting, it makes your life a lot more precious and something that you hold much more deeper,

and also before we end another thing that I wanted to add is, when we really believe in, if a person is going through hospice care end of life, that. You reach out to them earlier than later.

A lot of times, people make it to their last breath and that's like their goal, right? But we feel like maybe that's more of an Asian culture thing, but in the Asian culture, or at least the way I grew up, it was more important to, catch their last breath versus just going to them early and being able to talk to them. Because it's so precious when you have a video recording or even a memory of you talking to them in the conversations that you had, right?

Cause I remember talking to all the loved ones that passed away and I had conversations with them and it's always so precious. So going. Earlier than later in talking to them, I feel it's a little more healing to you and that person that's passing away too.

Tamo: In other words, pretty much if at all possible go see the person while They're cognitively even if it's difficult for them to speak, at least they can still speak, and then the things that we mentioned before, if there was any issues clearing that up or, just being able to tell them, I love you with them cognitively there, we both believe that's the way to go and then also something else that I wanted to add is many times, they might have their eyes closed and they may not be able to open their eyes and things like that, but they are able to hear.

And the way I communicated was I said okay, uncle you don't have to move or try to talk. Don't do that. But if you can hear me, can you just move any part of your eye? And so he had his eyes closed and any twitch I understood that he was able to hear me. So I was actually able to have a conversation with him using that method.

Just you don't have to open your eyes. All you have to do is just a twitch your eye. And he was doing that. So we were able to communicate at the end of life. And then Akko mentioned luckily for us, we were able to visit him a little before that, when things started to accelerate in terms of his body breaking down.

And I was able to have a conversation with him. And so I think that's a really great point. And for us, we had to fly across the Pacific to just to see him. And from for us, it's just been completely worth every penny.

Akko: Oh, yeah. The time that we went I was able to walk with him.

Yeah. And it could have very well been the last time he really walked like that stretch of length. And so I was happy to be able to just give him that, that time, to be able to walk. Cause it's actually, revitalizing to be able to walk, people take it for granted, but some people can't walk and, it's difficult, life can be difficult without your legs.

So you know, , it's a gift for both of us, right? Tamo's uncle actually knew my dad when he was younger. So we were able to talk about that. And I was just like, Oh, what kind of person, my dad was when he was younger.

So it was cool because I actually never knew. I he, your uncle always let me know, Oh yeah, I played with your dad, but I never knew they played on an actual baseball league together. And so that was really cool to know. And, , I got to know what type of person he was back then, because , I know my dad as my dad, not when he was younger.

So it was pretty cool to have him share that story with me. So that was a blessing.

Tamo: Yeah, definitely. Yeah, it's really interesting because you can get different perspectives, perspectives that you'll never get from your mom or, my mom, my dad, whatever. It's someone else's perspective that knew that person and it's really nice to see that too.

Akko: For sure. But yeah yeah, we just wanted to just add that that bit because we felt that it was super important to relay this message because it's something that actually helped us have more healing and just a little more

Tamo: Peace in the heart.

Akko: Peace in the heart.

Yeah, for sure. So yeah, we just wanted to share that.

Tamo: I totally agree. For me both times that I flew out it was a little stretch, in terms of like schedule and finances and things like that, but it just for me, looking back at it, it was all worth it. And all possible in your situation, if that's the case maybe you'll want to fly out or just make the trip out to see your loved one.

Akko: Yeah, for sure. All right. So yeah. And because of death, life is just so precious, right? And we just treasure it so much. And, hopefully we don't take it for granted, right? Like the fact that we can wake up in the morning, we're like, Oh, we're alive.

And feel good about that. Instead of thinking, Oh, that's expected because some people don't wake up. They're just they don't wake up. Just seeing the other side. It's really humbling, knowing that, hey, we woke up in the morning and we can live life today again.

And and yeah, and also again, maybe going back to death again and how we can support our loved ones during time of death, because it's such a emotional thing. A lot of people express their grieving in different ways. Whether it's through sadness, through tears, through maybe anger, right?

Yeah. Some people experience, grief and anger. And depression, but, just all these different things. It's always really good to just. If you're okay, if you're in a good spot to just reach out to other family members Hey, are you okay?

And taking care of that person. Let's say in this case, like our aunt, cause she obviously was not sleeping a lot because she'd been going to the hospital and doing all these things and trying to get everything ready. Because we were in route for home hospice, but he just couldn't make it because just a lot of stuff have happened.

And supporting that person because it's interesting because that person is going and going and they're like an energized bunny just because of adrenaline and whatnot. But then once that person pass away, all that fatigue and that tiredness, all that, like just comes to you all at once.

And at least I've always been told that a young age, to always watch out for the primary caregiver, because they are gonna just, they might not eat or, they might not do these things.

They might not take care of themselves as much. And during a death of their loved one, like the person that's closest to them usually, go down pretty fast. So then it's always good to support that person.

I was introduced to death at a very young age. My mom never really shunned me away from death. And maybe that's why I'm a little more comfortable. I had my own experience in Japan, like my grandma, my aunt, and in Japan, they do things pretty differently. After the person passes away, they bring the body to the house and then the body is there for at least 24 hours.

Depending on 24 hours or more, and then they're cremated and then the funeral. It's bam, bam, bam. There's no waiting period. It's very consecutive. And yeah, I was more comfortable with death and also my profession, right? Because I was in the ICU, so I saw a lot more death than just a normal floor.

And I have a lot of compassion towards the family and just, what they go through and it's just yeah, it's it's sad. But it's also something that we all go through. And going back to my mom, like I was exposed to it at a young age.

And maybe not the funerals when I was super little, but I was definitely introduced to it very early on in my life.

Tamo: Yeah. And you're mentioning you saw more death because of your profession too. And I have to say nurses that are really compassionate, it really comes through.

And the, these things like when a family is going through this to have someone really compassionate taking care of your loved ones, it's it helps so much. If there are any nurses Thank you for your work. It's really quite amazing. It really made the difference. So I wanted to share that.

Yeah. And so this is a kind of general thoughts that we have, this is still fresh for us. And just wanted to get this out to, you guys, and if you are also going through this please our condolences and yeah, with that said as usual, if there's any one you think that could benefit from this episode, please share it, and please take a moment to subscribe to our show, and the question of the day is,

Akko: What are your thoughts on death?

We'd love to hear from you. So please come say hi by commenting on our website by going to akkoandtamo. com and clicking on the podcast tab. And we're also on Instagram at akkoandtamo. So come say hi.

Tamo: Come say hi. Oh, we're also on YouTube now too. So if you want to listen to our podcast get on YouTube.

If you're more comfortable with YouTube and we'll see you there. All right. All right. Bye bye.

Akko: Bye.