Cultivating Meaningful Communication in Parenting - Episode 70
Have you ever wondered how you can communicate with your partner better? Don’t you wish there’s a magical formula that you can follow to have a better relationships? Well, look no more! In this episode we talk about how to communicate effectively and deepened your relationship with your partner. Life can be challenging at times but coming home to a lovely home environment can be such a blessing. Join us, as we dive deep in how to cultivate meaningful communications with your partner.
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TIMESTAMP:
►00:00 - Intro
►00:25 - Recent Happening: Father & son time at the beach
►02:39 - TOPIC: Cultivating Meaningful Communication in Parenting
►03:14 - Understanding the different types of communication
►04:14 - How to have meaningful deep conversations
QUESTION: What struggles do you have with communicating with your partner?
MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com
#parentcommunication #happyparentshappychildren #consciousparenting #realizeyourtruenature
Instagram: @akkoandtamo
Podcast Transcription
The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.
Tamo: This is episode 70 and the topic
Akko: of the day is cultivating meaningful communication in parenting. And before we get started, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. Now, let's get back to our recent happenings. So recently Tamo and our son went on a father and son date.
And, we do that here and there. But this, one was pretty special.
Tamo: Yeah it was me and our son. And we went to the beach. And uh, Akko and I, we've been talking about having These one-on-one time with our children. One-on-one time with our daughter, one-on-one time with our son..
And the same for Akko having one-on-one time with, our son. And then one-on-one time with our daughter. . And, just to really give a deeper connection, of course when we all go out together, it's fun.
It's really great. But at the same time when it's one on one time, there's a different feel. And we get to Talk to our kids in a different way and just Offer them the love that they are looking for. And so that's why we've decided to find time here and there.
It doesn't have to be a long time, just what, 30 minutes to an hour, maybe two hours, just taking them out. Maybe even for an errand just taking them out one on one and just having a great time. And both my son and I, we went to the beach, and got some sun, got to play in the sand played with the crabs running around on the beach, and yeah, it was a great time.
We'll probably be looking to do that more often, and We'll keep you guys updated. Yeah,
Akko: yeah. And just to let you guys know, it is really important to do that one on one time with your kids and let's say one is having like more tantrums than the other it might just be that they wanted more one on one time with you, the mother, or you, the father.
And super important to do that. And also, it's just actually a little more relaxing. I don't know about relaxing, but it's definitely much easier than having multiple.
Tamo: Yeah, exactly. And we get to talk about deeper things than just do this, do that to our kids, telling them, okay don't touch that boiling pot over there or get dressed.
It's not like that. You really get to have a lot of fun. And special bonding time. So I think it's really fantastic. It's definitely a different experience and a deeper one than just going out all together. And it's really interesting because that really ties into our topic of the day today.
Yeah.
Akko: Cultivating meaningful communication and parenting. And we just came up with this topic because we wanted to just guide parents to have better communication because in the end, that's usually the root cause of any turmoil or any disagreements within a marriage or relationship.
Tamo: And not only that the better communication and understanding and love that they have for each other the children feel it and Through that the children feel a lot more secure and safe within that home So we also wanted to mention that Today we're gonna be focusing more on the communication between the parents But Of course the better the parents are doing with each other, it has a really lasting uh, effect on the family as a whole.
So that's where we want to go. Exactly. First of all, what I wanted to share was that, not all conversations are the same. We all lead very busy lives and some conversations are considered More of the everyday or the routine conversation, whereas other conversations are more meaningful and deep communication.
And everyday communication are just the casual conversations like daily tasks what you have scheduled for the day preferences. Oh, I'm gonna go pick up some food. What do you like? Or oh, I found this shirt. What color do you like? Things like that, those preferences. And then also, plans for the children.
Who's going to pick up who what needs to be done, etc. Communication in this area is, especially for a family, is very important. But, that doesn't really take you beyond just A partnership. What you want is a conversation that really takes you deep into each other so that you can understand each other.
And so the other type of communication that we see is the meaningful or deep conversations that go really into the core of how you're feeling the expectations you have for the relationship viewpoints that you bring into the relationship and conversations that help you and your partner understand each other at a deeper level and These are the conversations that if you approach it with love Empathy and patience.
It's gonna really help grow your relationship and Your love for each other significantly, oh, yeah, which again also brings a lot more happiness and joy to the family and
Akko: I find that we do a lot of these like deeper conversations at night When the children are sleeping and then we have a little more time to ourselves and it's more quiet So our mind is a little more quiet.
You know as opposed to just the daily chaos that goes on with the kids present
Tamo: Yeah, and I think Akko brought up a fantastic point. These conversations, it's usually deeper conversations usually can't happen when you first wake up. Okay, we need to get the kids ready for school, blah, blah, blah. We're not going to be sitting there having a deep conversation when all these things have to be done.
So again, that's a really great point and what I want to say is it is okay for these communication to take time. It takes time to blossom, right? Although sometimes these meaningful and deep conversations can happen quickly in most cases, it requires time. Time for each of the each side to release their attention from the day.
It takes time to relax. It takes time to get past the initial emotions to go deeper. Huh. Yeah, thank you for bringing that up. That's a really great point.
Akko: And the next one is holding space. So holding space. We did it on a previous episode on episode 67, and it's called The Secret Key to Lasting Love. So check it out if you are interested. But holding space is just a way to communicate at a deeper level. And we talk about all of the challenges and the nuances of holding space. So check it out if you're interested and again it really helps with deepening the emotional connection you have with your partner and be able to understand them at a deeper level.
Tamo: Yeah, and the next one we have is being okay with repetition and clarifying and getting feedback.
So there are times that I see kind of people getting annoyed with having things repeated at them and maybe it can go into nagging and we're not saying nagging is okay, but what we want to say here is, Sometimes things need to be repeated. Maybe we weren't paying attention or whatnot just being okay with repetition, but aside from that, clarifying and making sure we get feedback especially for things that are quite important maybe getting feedback might be a good thing to do.
For example, Akko, she's been really into baking sourdough bread, and there are times that she has to step out to pick up the kids or whatnot, and if I'm home she'll tell me The instructions on what to do, and for me, I know sourdough is not easy it could be difficult, so I want to make sure that I do the right thing, so after she tells me the instructions, I just process it real quick, and then give her feedback.
Tamo: Okay, you said 10 minutes, right? Or was this 15 minutes, or what is it just getting really clear on what she is asking for. And then getting the feedback, yes, and then, okay, good to go, and then we can go on about our way. Just being okay with having things repeated and clarifying and getting feedback from each other.
Yeah, for
Akko: sure. And then, also, I think I do this more often. I'm like, oh, are you sure, or being okay with, Saying, are you sure you don't need this to happen? And then you're like, I'm sure. And you're like, are you sure? And then you're like, I'm sure. It's like It might be Annoyance, but at the end of the day, it's much better for both of us to be like, all right he really means no.
Although I already know he means no, but feel better when I ask again, if that makes sense.
Tamo: Yeah, and I think not when emotions are running high, but on a regular day, if you can discuss even that Hey, Akko, when I say no, it's no, and and just making sure that you understand that, and then maybe it could be a tone I'll be like, Akko?
I said, no, it's okay. And just being okay with letting go. Okay. Tamo said, okay. So I'm okay with it. Things like that. Or if he said no, it's a no kind of, so yeah,
Akko: exactly. It just, it gives me reassurance and it like also teaches me like, all right, okay. Yeah, that's right.
When he says no, it's no, and stuff like that. And but there's no harm in asking again just to make sure that you feel okay about it.
And this is also really similar to what we're going to be talking about for the next point. But knowing when to take things at face value and when to know that you have to read things under, that's not just face value, but there's more to it underneath. And with that, we're going to be going into the next point, which is don't assume and don't take what the other is saying at face value during highly emotional situations.
So we all know when we're highly emotional, we may say things that we don't mean and obviously times like this, you don't take things at face value, which is really interesting. Being able to balance taking things for face value and times when not to take things at face value, right?
If it is a highly emotionally charged conversation, maybe your partner will say something that's hurtful to you. But, you don't take that at face value. Instead, there's something deeper within that they're trying to communicate. Maybe it's actually In most cases, it's actually something that they need to process through and understand.
But yet, it's coming out in a certain way. So it actually goes into psychology quite a bit. And it can get very deep. Understand that, hey during highly emotional times, don't take it at face value. Just hold space and then have a back and forth conversation. And again, don't assume that one you need feedback. So if you felt like that person said X make sure that it was X and not why they were talking about. Yeah,
exactly. And just to ¥ piggyback off of what Tamo was saying this is not an invitation to verbally abuse your partner. That's not what we're saying.
Sometimes we say things that we don't mean it, it doesn't cross the line of verbally abusive.
Tamo: And Akko was saying, this is not about kind of abuse, but what we're trying to point out here is We might be in a bad mood and we might say things in a mean way. For example, maybe Akko says are you hungry? And I might say, no, I'm not hungry. You don't take that, no, I'm not hungry as face value.
But instead, maybe, okay, he's not in a good mood right now. And he'll be processing that. And then once he's doing a lot better, we can communicate with each other later. Just giving a little bit more understanding in those situations maybe that's what I'm trying to say
Akko: here. Yeah, for sure. And the next one is understanding and accepting differences in communication styles. So what that means is Everyone has different communications style. For example, I am a person that love to communicate right away. I want to talk it out right away.
I don't want to say I have a faster processing time, but I just want to talk it out sooner than later. But Tamo, on the other hand, is a lot slower. He likes to just think it out. In his head and really just understand what's going on and so what we've done Is that you know in the past I wanted to talk like literally like maybe a five seconds later And he wanted to talk like maybe a week later So then I would get very anxious because I'm like hey let's talk about this Like it's not making me feel good.
And of course, he's not ready because that's not his communication style he's like I get anxious if I talk about it right away type of thing, right? It just doesn't serve any of us. And so what we've done in the past, what we've done is really adapt to each other's communication style, and really eventually meet in the middle.
And so I take time, process things, okay, am I being emotional think things through in my perspective, okay what's going on with me? I just bring it back to myself before I have a conversation with Tamo.
Tamo: Yeah. And another thing is we accepted the differences. And I think that was a really big thing where I accepted Akko needs speed when it comes to conversations and Akko accepting that I needed time to process I think because we accepted that we were able to actually start moving towards each other.
I made active effort to talk to her as soon as I can. Even though I didn't feel too ready, I just pushed myself to speak to her sooner and sooner. And throughout the years now, it's pretty much happens in almost real time. So it's not even an issue just because we've worked through.
through this by understanding and accepting each other's communication style. Again, you don't have to say, Okay, this is my communication style, so accept it. That's it. No continue to work at it, and then try to meet closer to the middle because once you get closer and closer to the middle, things happen a lot more smooth, and it just gets better and better.
For sure.
Akko: And the next one is Timing can be everything, and it's true, timing is everything. Sometimes we're not in the right mindset to have that conversation, or have a conversation at all. We might be in a more lower state of energy more in our head, and so we're emotionally unable to even have that conversation, or even physically.
Maybe you were just sick.
Tamo: Yeah, and as you can imagine timing is important and at the same time, you don't want to hold things off for too long or again, say things too early, even before you process, because, sometimes when you do that, the mind can go wild and come up with some crazy stuff.
And just filtering things out and also understanding that timing is a consideration. And yeah, the next one let's go into it, which is active listening. So this is not about, Active listening is not about interrupting, instead, it's about being present and listening to your partner's words, not only words, but energy, and actively understanding what your partner is communicating, because in communication, there's much more than just the words, right?
Although the words can sound harsh, maybe the energy is nice. Smooth and soft, right? But reading both, not just the words, but both the words and the energy. For me, I feel like more and more, it's just becoming a reading of energy instead of words, which is interesting. It's as I evolve and continue to work on myself, I see myself reading energy more than words. But in the beginning, , I started off as just words and holding really tight to the words, but little by little, letting go of that and then moving more towards the energy.
Mm hmm.
Akko: And the next one is understanding expectations. So this happens with good communication, both everyday and meaningful, deep conversations.
So So, having these conversations, both the everyday and meaningful deep conversations, we start to have an understanding of each other's
Tamo: And also asking is a really fantastic thing asking about the expectations because expectations can be invisible. So you can have an expectation and not even know it, right?
And , when the expectation is not met, then if you get frustrated with your partner, your partner might be like, Oh, okay why is this person frustrated at me? So making sure that the expectations are clear Especially when going into something new or something you haven't done sharing expectations will be a really good thing to do.
Akko: Yeah, for sure. I like how you said it's invisible. Yeah, it totally is invisible. And you don't want to assume, right?
Tamo: So Yeah, and the thing is expectations usually come out after the fact. And It comes out in frustration or some sort of negative emotion. So making sure that the expectations are laid out so that the both of you know what to expect.
Yeah, exactly.
Akko: And, please don't assume that your partner should know she or he knows better like we don't. And or maybe we do, but a friendly reminder is always great, right? Because you're trying to set each other up for success and not failure. It's not about testing each other.
We've passed that stage. It's not about testing each other. That could always go the right way or the wrong way. So you really don't ever want to test your partner. And just really let them know what you really want or what you really expect.
Tamo: And when it comes to things like this, try to be very clear and direct. And don't have your partner running around in circles in order to understand you. I think that's something I see in kind of the more common media or more in common culture, how I see sometimes, woman and men or partners not happy with each other because they expect that the partner should already know. And no, that's not really to us. We don't really see things that way. And it only sets you up for failure for me. I see more failure. Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Because in most cases, we're not mind readers. We don't want to be mind readers. It's better that you say directly what you're looking for.
And it'll come out a lot smoother and better, I think, in the long
Akko: run. Oh, yeah, for sure. It's really worked for us. And yeah, I see that it's a downside to a lot of. relationships that I hear about. So just a little tip.
Tamo: Alright, and for the last point Finally, it is listen to your intuition. And when you feel like you need some time for a more in depth communication, tell your partner. And this will allow the two of you to keep closely connected, right?
And you don't want these communication gaps to get bigger, and bigger and turn into Grand Canyon. When you first, even at the first inkling, okay there must have been a miscommunication. You gotta bring it up. Bring it up and just clarify. And the sooner you take care of it, I think it can be done in a really light and a refreshing way instead of when the gap gets so large, you have to really jump to reach your partner.
If that makes sense, it's a metaphor using if you see a gap, you have to jump over, right? Whereas if it's a, just a tiny hole, you can just step over it. And then Move on. Right, right. You can still reach your partner but once it gets further and further, even when you reach out your hand, you're , no longer able to touch them.
And that's when it gets a lot more difficult. So just not even taking it there. When you feel, not even see, but feel the first signs that, hey there's miscommunication, boom, take care of it. And take care of it in a light way. Don't bring negative energy instead. Just lightly bring it up and then hopefully your partner will not be on their phone or not mindlessly doing something provided that they're in the moment and with you, focused on the conversation it'll resolve very
Akko: quickly.
Oh, yeah. And, the longer you just let it simmer. your emotions also simmer too and usually in the more negative way, you just started to boil inside because you're like, Oh my gosh, like this person doesn't understand me. And so that miscommunication becomes bigger and it tends to just blow out of proportion.
So again, and like Tamo was saying, that gap gets larger and your emotions get larger and larger as well. So you really want to nip it at the bud and just really just have that conversation. I'm not saying it's easy. But it does get easier over time. So the more you bring it up and , the more you practice this type of skill, it gets easier and easier and miscommunication becomes less over
Tamo: time. Exactly. And as Akko was mentioning, if you just keep waiting and waiting, the gap gets larger. Those are the times that things might explode. And if it explodes the chances of resolving it becomes not only less, but it gets much harder.
So if you can just nip it at the bud when things like that happen. just gets taken care of much easier.
Akko: Yeah, for sure. So if you think this episode is helpful for other parents please share it, and if you haven't, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show.
Tamo: So the question of the day is, what struggles do you have with communicating with your partner? We'd
Akko: love to hear from you.
Please come say hi by commenting on our website by going to Akko and Tamo. com and clicking on the podcast tab. We're also on Instagram @ AKKO AND TAMO that's A K K O A N D T A M O. So come say hi! All right. Talk to you later. All right. Bye.