Whose Duty is it? - Parenting Roles for Busy Parents - Episode 69

In Episode 69, we explore the topic of parenting roles for busy parents, aiming to help you easily manage and divide responsibilities. We discuss the ways to share insights on effective communication between partners to prevent misunderstandings. We also delve into the art of task division, emphasizing crystal-clear communication, flexibility, and considering who's best suited for certain tasks. Join us, as we dive deep in providing practical tips to create a smooth daily life routine.

If you find this episode helpful, please share it. Subscribe for more insightful discussions, and join the conversation here on our website or Instagram @akkoandtamo❤️ 💫

TIMESTAMP:
►00:00 - Intro
►00:25 - Recent Happening: Monster Meditation
►02:43 - TOPIC:  Who's Duty is it? Parenting Roles for Busy Parents. 
►03:08 - Understanding Parenting Roles
►13:00 - Thinking Framework
►14:42 - Practical Tips for Parenting Roles

QUESTION: What are some chores that you love to do? How about things you don't?

MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com

#Parentingroles #BusyParents #consciousparenting #realizeyourtruenature
Instagram: @akkoandtamo

Podcast Transcription

The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.

Tamo: This is episode 69.

Akko: And the topic of the day is, Whose duty is it? Parenting roles for busy parents and before we get started, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show now. Let's get back to our recent happenings. So recently we borrowed a book from the library and it's it was called Monster Meditation and I thought it was pretty cool.

Tamo: Yeah, I think it was a Sesame Street book and it showed Elmo meditating and we I read the book to our children and taught them, when they are not feeling that good or, strong feelings are coming up to use this monster meditation where you put your hand on your tummy and then take a deep breath and then exhale.

And interestingly enough, we bring it up again and again if we can tell that they're starting to feel a little agitated or some strong feeling or emotion. We ask, Oh, what do you need to do? And then they're happy to say, Oh, monster meditation. And they end up taking a deep breath and just feeling a lot better.

So it was really great to see that. Just reading a book about meditation in a fun way had brought a little bit more awareness and being okay with taking that extra time to take a deep breath for the kids and For them to feel better. So really want to continue to teach that To be able to regulate their emotions through regulating their body.

So yeah

Akko: for sure and it's funny because I mean we've taught different ways to, take deep breaths and everything, but this book seems to just click in their mind a little bit more and just, definitely worked more than us just being like, okay, hey, let's imagine a very big balloon that you're blowing up and pop and, or, any other practices that we've but this book seems to really it had really helped, right?

Tamo: And of course, it might be that our children are a little bit more ready to understand this. Yeah. But at the same time, it made it fun and it's cute when Elmo's doing this meditation. I think that could also be a factor too. Yeah.

Akko: If for those parents that need that extra help, regulating there.

Oh, actually, everyone needs this. We recommend this to

Tamo: everyone. Yeah. Exactly, and we also show them by example, so we take that breath together with them, And then we give them feedback, Oh, that felt really nice, and how do you feel? Don't you feel a little better now? And then they get to really understand and learn that, Hey, taking a deep breath, taking some time before just reacting to this emotion does make a difference.

Akko: Yeah, for sure. All right. So yeah, let's get back to the topic of the day. So the topic of the day is whose duty is it? Parenting roles for busy parents.

Tamo: So first we'll be talking about the parenting roles how we think about it and then share with you some thinking frameworks. And then lastly, we'll be sharing some practical tips with you so you can make the best out of you know these parenting roles Yeah, for sure

Akko: so parenting roles by definition is you know We think about responsibilities actions the behavior that parents take to care for and nurture their children So for example who's going to be cooking who's going to be reading to them, who's going to be taking the kids to the park or playing with the kids or bathing them, etc, right Everything that you do daily, like who is usually responsible for that?

And so we just wanted to just go into that. And this also includes, who's working who's at home, just everything all together. Who's duty is it to do what around the house?

Tamo: So we're just going to go into kind of how we think about it, and maybe you can glean some insights into how you do things. And in general, what we do is we take these roles. Quite flexibly. And we first do what we are good at.

What we're good at, what we like to do. For example I personally like to fix things around the house. Whether it be like the car or things around the house or kind of anything mechanical. I'll go ahead and I'm going to do those because I enjoy it and I'm good at it.

Akko: Oh yeah. If , there's any plumbing issues at the house. Like he'll definitely be able to take care of it. And yeah, and like oil change, here and there. He's able to just do all of that. So that's really helpful. And , I enjoy cooking.

So I'll take the lead on that because it doesn't really take too much energy for me to just cook our meals. It comes naturally and I again I enjoy it. So then , it takes less energy out of me compared to Tamo To cook right? So then I'll take the lead on it. It's not

Tamo: a big deal for me Yeah, and that's another thing that we also consider to how much energy will it take one of us?

So for example, let's say maybe doing an oil change might take me 45 minutes and maybe 3 units of energy, whereas if Akko did it, maybe it would take double the time and double the energy. And why waste that energy on something that I can do right? So that's how we think about it too.

So we always put the context into the situation of what type of situation is it and who has the energy to do so. and so, we see it as a teamwork and also not only that like I mentioned in the beginning, we're very flexible. So if help is needed we're happy to help each other.

Akko: Yeah. And we're actually both very proactive about even helping each other. We'll ask Hey, do you need help? And obviously if they're too busy to even ask that, then we will say I need help. Right. And I You don't want to be drowning in all this and stressing out when Someone's right there willing to help you.

Yeah,

Tamo: and so I think that's another great point that you bring up. It's the really clear communication. Clear and direct communication. And when I say direct, it doesn't need to be really harsh. That's not what I mean, but just Really if you want A, you have to ask for A. If you want capital A, you need to ask for capital A, right?

Or X, or whatever it is. You have to be very clear with your partner what you're looking for. So you're not gonna say, Oh, I feel a little tired. The laundry might not be done. Expecting for your partner to do the laundry. It has to be like, Okay maybe I'm tired today, but the laundry has to be done.

Could you help me? Could you do the laundry today? It has to be very clear and direct. And so we want to make sure that the communication is very clear.

Akko: Yeah, for sure. And that's really helped us.

Tamo: And another thing is you can't expect your partner to read your mind. Even if you've been together for many years, you have to really build up to mind reading, which is funny.

But even with being able to read each other's minds, you also, you always have to make sure that the communication lines are open so there aren't any miscommunications. So that's something that we're also conscious of.

So for example, we built up a strong foundation of communication, so we generally know what the other person is looking for. Now, even with that, you can read their mind and guess what they're needing, but communicating that also.

Is this what you're asking for? Is this what you need? Do you need help here? What kind of help do you need? And just continuing to. help each other, clarify and understand each other's needs and so that you can help each other.

Akko: Yeah, absolutely. And also, I guess something that I just want to add is being too overly considerate.

I feel like we have that problem. And, we're just like, too considerate that we're like, Oh, you know what? Okay, like he's working on something so we feel bad so we don't ask for help. But in the end actually hurts everyone because then I'm stressed then he's annoyed Maybe that like why didn't you ask me if you needed help?

And so that's also another thing you have to think about not being too overly considerate. If that makes any sense, right? Obviously, you need to be considerate, right? Because you're trying to help each other. You have to be considerate but not being overly considerate is also actually a

Tamo: weakness, right?

And again, so that's something that worked on and that's something that I helped work on. For example, let's say I say no, I don't need help. And let me back up a little bit more. So when it comes to the communication, it has to be yes. It needs to mean yes, no needs to mean no.

There are a lot of times where people say yes, really meaning no and saying no when they really mean yes. And that's a recipe for disaster when it comes to communication. So having a more clear way to communicate with each other without having the need to mind read. And for example, like Akko mentioned, what was happening was, let's say she would try to help me do something, and I would say no, it's okay, and then yet she wouldn't let that go and continue to pressure me, hey do you need help, or let me do it for you, when I was clearly saying, no, I don't need that help, it's okay, I'll take care of it, and that ends up, wasting each other's time and energy, because, I had clearly mentioned, no, I'm okay.

And so for me how I helped Akko understand that is I just let her know, Hey I'm really okay. I want my no's to mean no yeses to mean yes. And so again, that does require a little bit. More of like internal work so that when you're saying no, you're not just saying no out of emotion or yes out of just emotion, but going back into yourself and making sure that the yes and the no's are very clear within you so that you can share that, communicate that with your partner.

In this case

Akko: yeah, no for sure that definitely help and sometime, I do get I still you know I'm not like a hundred percent But so I'll just ask are you sure you don't need help? Are you sure and then he'll be like, yeah I'm positive. So that's how I would just double check and obviously My tendency is to be overly considered I guess like my tendency is to want to help everyone like okay, let me help you.

So What's helped me is are you sure like just asking maybe multiple times which maybe it's probably Annoying, but it just helps me just be like, all right, and mentally just all I can back off and I'm okay.

Tamo: Yeah, and in our case, Let's say maybe Akko is not really wanting to let go that a yes is a yes or no is a no, I can just change my tone and say, Akko

Akko: yeah, and that's a playful way of doing it.

Yeah. And I'm like, Oh, okay. It's not oh, but it's like, Hey I don't need help. Okay. And then so it makes light of the situation. So that's just something that I wanted to add.

Tamo: Yeah thank you for adding that.

That's it. It's awesome. And so again, we're very flexible and we're also willing to help because, we consider this as as teamwork. And that's the whole point, right? We want to help each other relieve stress from each other because. Hey, we all know parenting is not easy, and that's how we think about it.

And we also get feedback from our kids, for example when it comes to working on workbooks, the kids tend to like to do that with Me. . And so if that's the case, I sit down and work on workbooks with them and with, some other things like needing emotional comfort.

That's all. Mama . Yeah. Yeah. .

Akko: I don't know if it's like a more innate thing, but Yeah they definitely come to me for more comfort, but interestingly enough yeah, when we're doing workbooks, our daughter is just, I don't know, she just doesn't wanna do workbooks with me. Like sometimes she will, but she definitely listens and she's much more receptive with Tamo than me when we're doing these workbooks. Yeah, we take our children's feedback into consideration as far as okay, what, who does what role.

So yeah, so we take the children's feedback into consideration and it's really helped us as a family for smooth transition into things. Yeah.

Tamo: And also again, like we mentioned continuing to communicate with each other also with the children too, but continuing to communicate so that things don't go awry. So that things are on track. Yeah, that's how we see the parenting role. Again, it's not that we don't see things black and white. We don't see it concretely. It's more flexible. And again, we're looking at who's better at it, who likes to do it, things like that.

And also, another example is, I mentioned the car repair. For me what eats up my energy, what I don't like to do is, just getting on phone calls and let's say I have to call customer service rep or whatever. And Akko, like that kind of energizes her. Oh, yeah, that

Akko: is my thing.

I don't know what If you guys need help with customer service, I am there

Tamo: for you. I happily let that go and have her take care of things like that. And really finding those things about each other and getting that help. Right?

And When, with a partnership like that, you can really become much more not only productive, but stronger happier as a couple because of that. Oh

Akko: yeah. And so establishing that foundation, it's very useful and it really helps out. Once you build this foundation, because from that strong foundation, you can build other stuff. Yeah. And , this helps us be on the same page at

Tamo: all times.

Yeah, and so let's share kind of the thinking frameworks for how this works for us. So we think of these questions. So first of all, it would be who wants to do it, right? Who wants to do it? Then who likes to do it? And then who has time to do it? Of course, this is when you're busy, who has the time to do it?

Akko: Yeah, for like working parents, when both parents are working, that time might be very limited, right? Because you're mostly at work you pick up the kids, they might have other functions. So that time becomes very limited, so it needs to be worked into the schedule very precisely. And so You know, that's something to communicate with, who has a time who has the energy sometime, maybe this person might have more time, but that energy is not there.

So you have to take that into consideration, right? And, like you want to make sure that everyone's, closest to 100%. no one's ever always going to be at 100 percent at all times. So you want to make sure who has the most energy and plus time to

Tamo: do it.

Yeah, and that's another point that I want to make is for these questions, for example, who wants to do it? Who likes to do it? Who has time to do this?. Who has the energy to do this? This can actually change day by day, hour by hour. Not being, again being a lot more flexible in the answers.

And then also what we want to do is taking the context into consideration, right? Not saying, okay, you always take out the trash, so you have to take out the trash. Why didn't you take out the trash? It's not like that. Instead, hey we both might not mind taking out the trash, but The last person coming in might need to do it this day.

There's a, it's very contextual. Always being flexible, always be willing to help.

Akko: Yeah, exactly. Willing to help, mindful, all of that. And so let's get into practical tips. So tips that can help in fostering this type of relationship. So the first one being having a shared calendar. This has helped us so much in the past and also so much I wouldn't say headache, but there are some times where we tried different types of apps for shared calendar and sometime it wouldn't be in and we'd be like I thought you saw it in the calendar and it wouldn't be in the calendar.

And we now just use iCal because we both have and Also have all apple products. So it's all connected and so that's actually helped us tremendously

Tamo: Yeah, and if that's not your cup of tea, you can always use a physical calendar that's a large calendar that's placed in an area that you always walk by so that both of you can see or whoever has these responsibilities can see what's on the the calendar for the day.

Akko: Yeah. And so we have that physical calendar, right? A magnetic calendar board going into the kitchen because everyone's going to go into the kitchen. It's like right there on the wall of the kitchen.

Tamo: Yeah. So again, I'm using a calendar on your phone that share a physical calendar, whatever it is something that you guys will both be using, because if only one person is using, what's the point?

And making sure that both are you are on board and also knowing that it will take a while if this is something new to you. It might take a week, it might take a month, it might take three months to really get all this dialed in and for you to be making this a habit of checking. And so with that said one thing that I love to do is at the beginning of the day, I always ask Akko what her plan is for the day.

And from there, she's able to share what's on the plate for her. And then I share what's on the plate for me. And then, at least we have an idea of, what needs to be done for the day. Yeah.

Akko: I actually really like when he does that because it helps me plan my day.

Yes, we have a shared calendar, but that's, pretty much the big stuff that we have planned, we don't. Put all the little stuff that we're doing hourly, right? So when he asked me that question, it's like very helpful because it's like, Oh yeah, I have actually this to do in the morning, I have that to do in the afternoon.

And then he's like, all right. And I'm like, Oh, what do you have? And then he's Oh, I have this to do. I might go here. And it's actually very helpful because then you can both plan accordingly.

Tamo: Yeah, and another tip is don't try to cram too much in the day. You don't want to maximize stress.

You want to minimize stress. And, If you don't get something's done, hey it's okay. And at the same time, if it's really just going to be a busy day making sure that you have even more communication so that you know what each other are doing at all times so that things are Moving smoothly so making sure again.

I try not to make things too busy for the day Don't try to cram too much, but if that needs to happen then keeping communications open Yeah,

Akko: for sure. And something that also popped into my head when you were like, we're talking about the communication., Communicating with their kids, too. I can't stress this more enough. I feel like that helps our kids if I have to be gone for the day or the morning or whatnot I let the kids know I give them a heads up and I ask them in different ways and this is something that Tamo had taught me like, oh, ask them in different ways.

Make sure you quiz them, ask different questions, but the same question and they're mentally prepared that I will be gone for the morning and it's really helped with the smooth

Tamo: transition. Yeah, I think that's the point. That's a great point that we, that I'm glad that we're talking about.

It's updating our kids. Continually so that they know what kind of expectations to hold too. For example, like Akko mentioned, for me, I start talking about if there's a change for the next few days or the day

Talking about what is to come the next day. For example, let's say Akko, she needs to leave early for some sort of function the next day. I'll start talking to them about it the day before. Okay, Mama's gonna be out early tomorrow morning, so what do we need to do? And then, just Having a back and forth with them, not just telling them, Hey, Mama's gonna be out in the morning tomorrow.

Not that, but continuing to go deeper. Okay, Mama's gonna be out early tomorrow. Tell them, okay? And then I would ask, Okay what is Mama gonna do tomorrow morning? And then they can say, Oh, Mama's gonna leave early in the morning. Good, yep, that's exactly right. And since Mama's gonna leave early in the morning tomorrow, what are you gonna do with me?

And then we can say, have fun! And then for them to really soak in that information. So it's not just you as a parent telling them what's going to happen, but first telling them what's going to happen, asking them about it, and then making it fun. Just back and forth, and yeah, that's really helpful.

Yeah,

Akko: it's helped a lot as far as the kids understanding, and really really understanding , because they probably listen, but they weren't understanding, and so they would still be like, Mom, where are you going?

And then it would be harder for me to leave. Obviously, I still have to leave, then it would be a tough start for Tamo. So, setting each other up for success is very important.

Tamo: Yeah, and again, it's a having a conversation with your children.

And not only just telling them, but getting feedback from them and then showing, okay it's not going to be a tough time or a bad time, we're going to have a lot of fun. Just giving them different perspectives of what's happening is really fantastic. Yeah.

Akko: And the next thing is to clearly ask for help. So we've already said this, but this is something we can't stress this enough. And then also clearly offer help and then don't expect each other to be mind readers because we are not mind readers.

And really be clear on what you need,

Tamo: right? And there are times where in your mind You might have thought that you've already said something to your partner, but that might not be the case So that's why these conversations need to continue to happen, of course if you're at work maybe through text a making sure that things are moving forward if it needs to be just having that line of communication open.

If it needs to be a call, you call it's of course the best in person. For this to happen both of you, it'd be best if you were a lot more present. And not being, too busy with other stuff when you're communicating with each other.

Akko: yeah, that's very true. And we don't ever believe over communication is bad. That's something to also consider. I know some people might be like I don't want to be like,

Tamo: And this overcommunication doesn't mean nagging. I think that's a very different thing. Yeah,

Akko: so I know a lot of people are like, Oh, I don't want to be nagging.

But it's not. It's just clarification. Making sure everyone's in the same page. And so overcommunication is never a bad thing.

Tamo: And I think it turns into nagging when the tone changes, so having a lot more kind of a lightweight tone, hey and just a lot more direct.

And of course, this you know your partner better than we do adjusting to that, some partners may need it. Communicated a different way, so just really understanding the way that they also want to be communicated with, right? The way I communicate with Akko, it works because we know each other, this is we're very happy with this type of communication and again, not taking it to nagging, which is, unpleasant for all. Yeah, for

Akko: sure. And the next one is going to be willing to

Tamo: help. When your partner asks for help just be Willing and happy to help. Don't drag yourself Because then it's really not fun for the other partner because they're needing help.

That's why they're asking you but if you're slogging through it and being negative It's not gonna feel any good for the person asking to so just really being considerate there. Yeah,

Akko: exactly.

Tamo: So

Akko: yeah, be willing to help. That is very important and it really goes a long way when the willingness is

Tamo: always there, right? And just again really wanting to help if help is requested being happy and willing to help.

Yeah,

Akko: all right, so if you think this episode is helpful for other parents, please share it. And if you haven't, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. And the question of the day is, what are some chores that you love to do?

How about things you don't?

Tamo: Us. We'd love to hear from you. Please come say hi by commenting on our website by going to AKKOANDTAMO.COM and clicking on the podcast tab. We're also on Instagram AKKO AND TAMO.

Please come say hi to us there. All right. Take

Akko: care. All right, bye.