We had a Miscarriage - Episode 68

In this episode, we dive into a deeply personal journey that touches the lives of countless individuals: miscarriage. As someone who has experienced this profound loss firsthand, I understand the devastation, the grief, and the overwhelming emotions that accompany it. Miscarriage is a topic often shrouded in silence and stigma, leaving many feeling isolated in their pain. But by fostering open and compassionate dialogue, challenging stigmas, and providing support and resources for those affected, we can create a more inclusive and empathetic society where individuals feel seen, heard, and valued in their journey toward healing and hope in the wake of pregnancy loss. Join us as we explore the complexities, challenges, and resilience that define the journey through miscarriage, offering hope and understanding to those who have walked this path. 

If you find this episode helpful, please share it. Subscribe for more insightful discussions, and join the conversation here on our website or on Instagram at Akko and Tamo .❤️ 💫

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TIMESTAMP:
►00:00 - Intro
►00:12 - TOPIC:  We had a miscarriage
►00:22 - Recent Happening: Hiking with the Kids
►01:43 - Facts about Miscarriages
►02:55 - Akko's Miscarriage story
►11:28 - Break the Silence
►14:37 - Navigating the Journey Together
►15:21 - Coping Mechanisms
►17:22 - Finding Closure

QUESTION: What did you take away from this episode? 

MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com

#miscarriage #pregnancyloss #consciousparenting #realizeyourtruenature

Instagram: @akkoandtamo

Podcast Transcription

The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.

Tamo: This is Episode 68.

Akko: And the topic of the day is miscarriages. And before we get started, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. Now let's get back to our recent happenings. So recently we've been taking our kids hiking a lot more. It's actually a hike that we've always done. And we go To do picnics and whatnot and recently we just took them again and it's just been Such a blessing to have a really nice hiking trail super close by.

Tamo: Yeah, and you feel like you're in the forest and It's a really nice time with the family because, when we do the picnics we go up there with food and the kids get to run around while they eat and play with the chickens and things like that. And it's really a great experience.

Akko:

Yeah, bunch of tall trees surrounding you. It feels so good. And yeah, recently it was more of a child led hike. So they just pretty much led the way. And it's so interesting cause they don't like to do those fire trails, the wide big trails, they want to do those single trails.

So it's really interesting. And so we were making a lot of our trails, to be honest with you, going through these bushes and everything. And it was pretty fun, though.

Tamo: That's really cool, because they get to navigate and feel their way around nature. And, they really get to be immersed.

In nature, with these trees, the dirt the bugs the leaves, the flowers, everything. And yeah, it's a, it's really great for the kids.

Akko: Yeah, absolutely. And so we found things that we wouldn't have found if we didn't take those super narrow trails. So it was, it worked out. It was really cool.

so let's get back to our topic of the day, which is miscarriages. And, the reason why we're bringing this up is because we actually experienced it. And, doing a lot of research on it now that I've had one I didn't know how many women go through this. And so I just thought it might shed some light to some mothers out there that have experienced this or even that haven't experienced it to just give them perspective as to what is happening To moms or women that are experiencing this. So yeah, I just want to start off by saying one out of four women Go through this and really we don't know this because a lot of people don't talk about it.

It's like a stigma, right? And so no one really talks about it. And so in this episode, I really want to talk about this sensitive topic yet, it's pretty crucial because people do go through it. And a lot of couples do face miscarriages and miscarriages are very deeply personal and at times it can be a misunderstood experience. Again, , wanted to just do this episode. in hopes to shed light on the emotional complexes surrounding it and to let people know what these women are going through, including myself.

So I'm just going to start off by just talking about my own experience. And so we were Pregnant with our third and super, super excited. It was one of those things where we talked about it here and there and we finally came to an agreement to have a third. And so it was a long time coming because it took a while for us to just really agree upon having this third child.

And

Tamotsu: I think in future episodes, I would love to share what went into the process of, deciding to have another child. So yeah, look out for that,

Akko: too Yeah, yeah, I I mean cuz it's obviously not just like a nonchalant decision, right? You're gonna have to be Responsible for another person, so obviously it's a really big decision that you have to make and all in all long story short once we decided and once we started trying, we actually got pregnant right away. I, in the past didn't have a hard time. Getting pregnant But we didn't get pregnant unless we were super active about trying to have a child. So with this experience, it was very like, all right let's try. Let's just start not preventing.

That's how it started. And then I just got pregnant right away. So it was like, Oh my God, this is meant to be . This was the most perfect timing as it can get and I was ecstatic and over the moon. We were both stoked. We were very excited. And I'm doing multiple pregnancy tests during this time because I'm like, oh my gosh, okay, hold on.

Let me make sure this is really it. And, finally, okay, there is multiple series of positive pregnancy tests. So then I decided to call the doctor to let them know, hey, I just want to schedule an appointment, whatnot. And then, a few weeks go by and, everything's good.

And then all of a sudden I get spotting. And I'm like, is this implantation spotting, but obviously not because I'm already at six weeks, a little over six weeks, six weeks and about four days. And so I knew it wasn't that, But I also do know that some people do have spotting throughout their pregnancy whether it may be first, second or third, but I know that some women do experience that.

So I was like, okay, maybe this is not too big of a deal. I let the doctor know they said, all right, if it gets worse, cause it was just only spotting at that point, it was like very little spotting. It was only to a point where I only see blood when I wipe so I was like, okay this might be okay, and then I wasn't experiencing any pain of any sort and so the doctor office had let me know that if I do experience any more spotting or pretty much an increase in spotting or pain that's associated with that spotting, then give them another call.

And then so the next day I actually had this gush of blood that came out and I just knew that was not what should be happening. And so I called the doctor and I got an appointment right away to get in and I did the ultrasound. Transvaginal ultrasound and they were like, are you sure you're pregnant?

And at that point I already knew alright, we pretty much lost the baby And the doctor had given me like three options as to what was happening So one it might be an ectopic pregnancy, but you know deep down I already knew it was a miscarriage And with ectopic, you do experience a lot more pain around your pelvic region, so I knew that it probably wouldn't be that, and then he was also saying another reason is that maybe this baby is actually younger than it is, and that's why you can't see a sac or anything, but I knew when I was ovulating and everything, and so I knew that probably wouldn't be it.

It just, it didn't calculate, but I did give the benefit of the doubt and, said, okay maybe. And so we did a serial HCG test and pretty much that. Concluded that I was going through a miscarriage and, it's devastating when we were first finding out you're just in disbelief because I was in disbelief for a good few days. Wait, are you sure this is happening? This is probably not happening. I was in disbelief until I got the final HCG result because I did one a few days and then you do another one after a few days so that you get a serial HCG test.

And that only tells you if it's increasing, then that something's happening with the pregnancy. And if it's obviously decreasing, you're losing the baby. So that's pretty much what we're trying to conclude. When we're doing these tests. And when I got that final H3G result, I just knew that it was definitely a miscarriage.

Although I already deep down knew it was. But, you always hold on to that hope of maybe It's not a miscarriage and maybe the baby was just super young and you really wish upon all these things that could have, would have happened, right? And again, it was a really devastating experience that maybe the second day or so, Tamo took the kids out so that I can have time to myself so that I can do a lot of purging.

And a lot of crying purging of everything and also before I even got the final HCG result, this is something I forgot to let you guys know earlier on. But before I even got the final HCG result I did expel the fetus the baby. so After I went to the doctors that day, that night, I did go to the bathroom and I did expel the fetus and now I can totally see the head. I can totally see the body and it's pretty devastating when you're seeing this cause you're just like, Oh my gosh, is this it?

Or is this not it? But deep down in your heart, you just know that this was your baby. And so that was even more devastating. And cause you can pretty much see, even though you're like six weeks and four days, you can totally see the head and the body that's forming, you can see the hands starting to form.

And it is really devastating just even looking at the fetus. And luckily because of my medical background it was I guess a little better, but not really, because you yourself are experiencing this, it's pretty devastating looking at this small little thing that could have been a complete human being.

so yeah, even with that, I was still, hoping because of my grieving process that maybe it wasn't the fetus and it was something else and I'm still pregnant. But again, once I got that final HCG result it was confirmed that I was having a miscarriage and I had a miscarriage.

And at that point, my grieving stage had already started, but at that point I was a little more accepting of that grieving process, if that makes any sense. And during that process two days after the miscarriage happened, Tamo took the kids out so that I can have my own time to purge all my emotions, just everything that I was going through and. I started to do intuitive writing. And if you had listened to our previous episodes, we talk about the process of intuitive writing and the benefits of it. And it's, it was just profound, actually.

I didn't think that it would help me as much. In this process because I'm so I was so hurt and I was so emotional But I was really able to release a lot in that whole writing process and You know with that, you know with marriage carriages, there's a lot of blame and guilt that comes with it I mean you as a mother you think oh my gosh Maybe I shouldn't have done that and that's why or I should have would have could have right Anything like why did I do that?

And that's probably why it happened, but in reality, it just probably happened because the fetus was just too weak and so it was just meant to happen at least that's what the doctor told me, and that's what helped me through the process of guilt and blame portion because I kept questioning the doctor are you sure maybe this was the reason why I had a miscarriage.

And they kept saying, no, this is not the reason. Don't worry. It just happened. It happened because the baby was not. Viable, right? So even though I didn't have a miscarriage, if I didn't have a miscarriage now, who knows, maybe a few more weeks down the line, it could have happened. And in that event, I could have had a harder time with the miscarriage because with this situation, I was lucky enough that my body was able to take care of it naturally.

So I didn't have to take a pill or I didn't have to do a procedure to actually clean out my uterus. In which some mothers and women have to do that. And I was very grateful that I didn't have to go through any of that and my body was able to take care of it naturally. And so that's something that I'm super grateful for.

But yeah, with miscarriages come a lot of guilt, a lot of blame and you're going through this grieving process and you're trying to bargain at this time. And there's a lot of denial that's associated with it. And just a lot of emotion that go through this.

And no one else can really know what you're going through unless you go talk to a mother that's really gone through it. You can only imagine going through a miscarriage. But when it really happened to you, it's such a devastating event.

And I feel like one thing that I did was Not right away. I didn't do this right away, but breaking the silence and the stigma that has to relate to miscarriages.

I started to talk a lot more about my miscarriage to others. Cause I was not really comfortable talking to others. I was like, I'm just going to keep to myself. It's such a sad thing to share. I don't want. others to feel bad because I had a miscarriage, and that's usually the response that you get, right?

Oh, I had a miscarriage. And then they're like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And it's just not good energy to pass on to others. But, in this event, I tried to think differently and, sharing these events are actually important as well. And to let people know hey, you know what yeah, things do happen and invite them for the opportunity to share their experience if they've also had a miscarriage as well.

Because I have to say, there are friends that I talk to and they're like, oh my gosh, I had a few miscarriages or a couple miscarriages too. And I'm like, really? What did you go through? Like, how, what are you okay? It just opens that conversation up for other mothers. And breaking that silence, I believe, and discussing the commonality of these miscarriages. And emphasizing how prevalent it is in women are important and to really just breaking that stigma, right? That miscarriage is super bad. It's a bad topic to talk about. Just really trying to break that stigma and trying to not isolate those mothers or women that's going through all these things because it's truly a very emotional rollercoaster that you go through, right?

Because one, you're dealing with the emotions that. All the hormones actually that you are trying to process during that because, hormones are elevated during your pregnancy and you may have a miscarriage, those hormones stay with you, obviously it's going to be heightened, you're going to be very emotional, and so a lot of things could happen, so really trying to talk about your emotions become very important, and sharing your experience with others become important.

And especially with their spouse too, right? I've talked to Tamo a lot about it, cuz I was blaming myself a lot and I'm like, oh my god maybe this is why and but again, it helps to talk about it and You know get reassurance from others that it's hey, it's not your fault Obviously, I talked to my doctor a lot the nurse practitioner a lot I've questioned them like multiple times to make sure that I feel good about It not being my fault if that makes sense.

So that really helped me get over the hurdle of blaming myself and also the intuitive writing to that also helped me because I was able to purge everything that I was thinking onto the paper and It honestly it lifted a lot of weight off my shoulder and giving the space to just breathe because I was so like tied on my chest because I felt so bad.

I was feeling bad about losing this child. And you know, I was going to this emotional rollercoaster. As I said, a lot of women go through these things and you're going through the process of grief and the guilt and all that range of emotion that may arise

and it's always such a good experience and such a good start to start sharing these personal stories of yours. And another way to really as I mentioned already to get through this miscarriage is to navigate the journey together. And so I can't really stress the importance of this mutual support and understanding between partners.

And like I said, I talked to Tamo a lot about, what we went through and not only just the miscarriage, but just even everything in general, he's my go to person for everything and we discuss everything together. And if you don't have someone like that, you can always reach out for professional help.

Counseling seeking that type of support, or, miscarriage support groups and these people could, provide insights and help you during these grieving process.

All these things help you go through the event of miscarriage. And having a good coping mechanism is also very much important. And my coping mechanism was talking it out, and really that intuitive writing really helped with letting out all the emotions that was going on in my head.

And so some of the things I was thinking about was, Oh, I'm a terrible mother or It was all my fault things like that and it's like a natural thing you probably think about. You think about mom guilt and then, a miscarriage happening or just Oh my God, this is all my fault.

This is horrible and you just really blame yourself. So having a great coping mechanism and exploring healthy coping mechanism is super important. Things that you can do again, intuitive writing, so or journaling mindfulness, like some type of creative outlet, maybe if you're like an artist, maybe you can start painting, or even if you're not an artist, you can start painting.

And yeah, and being able to navigate yourself through these really challenging experiences. Can really help with anything in life, actually, not only miscarriages, but anything in life.

Tamotsu: YEah. In terms of coping you can get very creative here. It might be just going out into nature and spending some time by yourself. Akko mentioned if it's intuitive writing or if you like to draw, you can draw.

you like music maybe you can sing, you can play an instrument, just exploring these different modalities to release these emotions I think is a great way so that less of it sticks to you as trauma. And that's what we want to avoid too, because as we try for our next child, we want to be as a free and healthy, both physically, emotionally and spiritually as much as we can.

I think that is a great thing to really focus on to heal. And again, the sooner that you work on your healing, the. Sooner that you will heal, and not only that the less effort that you'll have to put in, because if you just sock it away somewhere very deep it just gets lodged there, and it just becomes a lot more difficult to deal with in the future, so that's something that I wanted to share, and also one other thing That we hadn't discussed is finding closure and finding closure with accepting of the miscarriage.

And what we did for that is had a mini funeral where both , Akko and I buried our baby and just spent some time with it and we said goodbye. And so I think things like that also bring closure. More closure and acceptance to what happened and so that we don't continue to be in denial or the what ifs or the blame.

You accept as is what happened and then we can move on from here and learn from the experience and grow. Grow as not only a couple, but as a family and as an individual. So that's something that I wanted to add

Akko: too.

Yeah. Thank you. Absolutely. That closure is very important. As it's the last stage of grief, right? It's denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. And that acceptance has to relate with closure. That's very important when it comes to dealing with that type of emotion and dealing with this type of experience.

And yeah, so I just, I really want to shed light to people that, people do go through miscarriages and, it's a very challenging journey for a lot of people that go through it. And, by breaking the silence and offering that support And fostering open communication, we can create more compassionate space for people that are affected by miscarriages.

And I do want to let all mothers and women know out there that you are not alone. That people around you are going through the same thing that you are. It's just that it's not being talked about. So that is something that, I want to break the ice and really just break the silence and the stigma that is stuck to miscarriages because it's, it's not a stigma.

It's something that people go through and it's a natural thing, but it's a devastating natural thing. and. Also, even closure for us again, right? Yeah. Just to be able to talk about it again is another step forward

Tamo: And another perspective that may help is again, as Akko mentioned, it's not about blaming or feeling bad you may have done something Wrong or something that may have caused this Not going there and instead looking at it as a learning experience So what did you learn about yourself from this experience?

It might be a more tangible physical thing where oh, I would like to Have a healthier diet or better exercise or things like that, but more so internally did you learn something from the grieving process? What did you learn about yourself? And taking time to go deep inside and feel things without, being distracted with your phone or just going out go inside and feel what's happening inside of yourself.

And more than anything, if you're able to do that, you'll find that you're growing a lot more than you've even expected. And you'll see that you can turn these bags of coal with the pressure can turn into a diamond.

So that's something that. I wanted to bring to light,

Akko: . Absolutely. And, something that also popped into my head when you were talking about that was that your child, as small as it was, was able to help you grow.

Your children always help you grow by, learning to be more patient and whatnot and etc. Right? But even this little baby was able to teach us something so valuable. And I thought it was really, that was, that's pretty insightful.

Thanks, honey. Yeah.

Tamo: And maybe the role that. This baby, played was just that and maybe it was able to within that short period of time, play its role in improving humanity just through It's appearance and disappearance the lessons that we've learned that we've internalized and then we grew from now we can share that with you and that's why we're speaking to you on this podcast, sharing this experience and hopefully it will help you so you can see from such a small baby, these ripple effects of the learnings that we've embodied and now sharing with you and hopefully this can help others in the same situation and the positive ripples continue to ripple out.

So that's also something that I can

Akko: see. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Tamo: and and with that, if you think this episode is helpful for other parents that you know please share it. And if you haven't, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. Because we do this for you. And we want to share as much as we can so that it helps others learn and more so not feel alone, that there are other people going through similar things and that's what we want to share.

Akko: So the question of the day is, what did you take away from this episode? We'd love to hear from you. Please come say hi by commenting on our website by going to AKKOANDTAMO.COM and clicking on the podcast tab. We're also on Instagram at AKKO AND TAMO so please come say hi.

Tamo: All right, talk to you soon. All right.

Akko: Bye bye-Bye.