3 Steps to Better Parenting - Episode 58

Parenting is a complex and challenging journey that requires us to constantly adapt and evolve as our children grow and develop. As parents, we strive to make decisions and take actions that result in positive change for our children and the parent-child relationship. Sometimes our best intentions can lead to unforeseen and undesirable outcomes.

It is important for us as parents to be self-reflective and teachable in these situations, and to admit when our methods have not worked. Join us as we dive deep in how this self-awareness and willingness to learn can set us on the path towards continuous improvement as parents. 

We look forward to reading your comments. ❤️ 💫

IG: @akkoandtamo

LINK:
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TIMESTAMP:
►00:00 - Intro
►00:27 - Recent Happenings: Car Battery Died
►01:53 - TOPIC:  3 Steps to Better Parenting
►03:49 -  What is the  3 steps
►04:30 -  Awareness Stage
►05:18 - Admitting
►06:17 - Making Changes
►07:27 - No Tolerance Policy
►09:11 - It is not about being perfect

QUESTION: What methods have you found helpful in becoming more self-reflective and aware as a parent?

MUSIC:
► Copyright Chillhop Music - https://chillhop.com

#betterparents #selfawareness #consciousparenting #realizeyourtruenature

Podcast Transcription

The transcription below is provided for your convenience, please excuse any errors made by the automated service.

Tamo: This is episode 58

Akko: and the topic of the day is Three Steps to Better Parenting. And before we get started, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show. Now let's get back to our recent happenings. So recently my car battery died and the way we found out was when we were in a rush to go take our kids to school and the car wouldn't start.

Tamo: Yeah. It's interesting because are especially working to get you guys out as soon as possible, right? Yeah.

And I was happy. Okay, cool. They're gonna make it on time

Akko: and then Yeah, we were gonna make it earlier,

Tamo: And then this happened, but yeah. You had a car jumper battery. So that worked out.

Akko: Yeah. I have to say that I recommend for everyone.

Tamo: Yeah. If you drive it's a highly recommended . Just come to our website and check it out. We'll be linking that car. It's like a jumpstart very small battery that you can use. You don't have to use cables anymore. But before with Jumpstarting cars, you would have to have someone.

Connect their jumper cables to your car or to your battery, and then get, do all that manual work. But now it's like a really small battery that you connect to your batteries and voila, it

Akko: it starts. Yep. It was so cool. And it's so fast and highly recommend it. We'll go ahead and link it for you

Tamo: Yeah.

Every car should definitely have one

Akko: . Absolutely. Even if it's new, cuz you just never know what could happen. Your kids can be playing inside a car and Exactly. That is exactly what happened. Yeah. Meaning

Tamo: the the lights on. That's happened to me.

Just that's, yeah. Yeah. Probably three days before this happened. our kids left the headlights on in my car. And I tried to start it. Nope, nothing. And it was a battery, so Yeah.

Akko: Highly recommend it

Tamo: for all parents that drive.

Akko: For all parents. Exactly. . So let's get back to the topic of the day.

So three steps to better parenting.

Tamo: Yeah. Let's talk about improving our parenting now. I like to consider this as like a kaizen principle. Kaizen means a continual improvement. It's a Japanese word that came mainly from the automotive industry when they were really booming back in the day.

And the Kaizen principle of continual improvement using that idea into parenting. So parenting is, complex and a challenging journey for all of us, and requires us to constantly adapt and evolve as our children grow and develop. As parents, we're striving to make decisions and take actions that result in positive change for our children and for context, Akko and I are parents to two children. One is almost four years old and another just turned two. And we wanna share that because what we are seeing may. be more contextual to this age group. Whereas maybe for you your children are older or maybe even younger, and you might want to take what we're sharing as more of a big picture idea of the three steps in order to improve as a parent.

So sometimes our best intentions can lead to unforeseen and undesirable outcomes. It is important for us as parents to be self-reflective and teachable in these situations, and to admit when our methods have not worked

This can be a difficult realization as we want to believe that we're always doing the best we can for our children.

And yet it is this self-awareness and willingness to learn. That sets us on the path towards continuous improvement as parents. And when we establish rules and behavior patterns for our children, we expect them to respond in a certain way, right? . But as all children are unique, sometimes our expectations do not align with reality, and this is where we need to be mindful and open to the situation and to understand what is really happening to make changes to our parenting style.

And so I wanna break it down into three simple steps. Number one is awareness. Number two is admitting when things are not working. And then number three is making changes. And so number one, awareness. We wanna become aware of the issue and understanding what is really happening. And then number two again, is admitting when things are not working and being open-minded and self-reflective enough to admit that the current parenting method has not worked.

And then number three would be making changes. Making changes to our own parenting style and continually making adjustments as we improve as parents. So we want to share our personal experience in this three step format. . So first

Akko: yeah, so awareness stage. So recently we were getting frustrated as parents and our children were not listening to and repeating things didn't help at all.

Tamo: At the awareness stage in this specific situation for we became aware because we were getting frustrated. Something was just not feeling right. So we had awareness that we were frustrated and things just didn't feel right. And that's why we were able to go. Kind of self-reflection on what, what was happening. And we would reflect to each other talk to each other about the frustration and kind of try to figure out what the issue was.

Akko: exactly. So try to get to the root cause and, see if it was our energy, if it was something else, and really try to figure out what was going on.

Tamo: Yep. And then by talking to each other feeling this frustration, we went into the step number two, which.

Akko: Admitting when things were not working. So the things that we were doing was not working. And so one concrete thing that we got was a warning from the school because our son's behavior with the pushing was not resolving. And so they were just letting us know and giving us a warning like, Please do something about it.

Tamo: And so at this point, what we did was we admitted that things were not working. There was something off. We're getting frustrated, we were repeating things, multiple times without change it's just wasn't working. And then getting the unfortunate confirmation at school , Hey, your son is pushing other children at school. This has to be resolved. , we admitted that things were not working and this part was actually a difficult part. It hurt us as parents.

Akko: Oh yeah. Cuz we're trying so hard be that, that better parent for our children. and we read all these books research and that wasn't working

Tamo: right. So we just sat together discussed it and, we, helped each other process this. And then little by little , we went into step number three, which is

Akko: which is making changes. So we researched, asked other parents what had worked for them in similar situations. And after some contemplation, an insight came up.

And that insight was to tighten the boundaries a little bit more and implement a zero tolerance policy.

for younger children. I know that is difficult, but with hitting or pushing or throwing, it was a zero tolerance policy. So we became more strict . But strict doesn't mean like anger or frustration. Instead, it just meant that we follow through consistently with the rules that we had and with the rules that we had already mentioned to them earlier on so that everything was clear , the kids were on the same page as far as understanding what we were expecting.

Tamo: And Yeah. When it comes to tightening the boundaries it's pretty much more in lines with for example, maybe would say something 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 times, seven times, they're not listening. And when the boundaries are tightened, maybe it might be two times, and then we take action in terms of if they're doing something that is not safe for them, we would physically, remove them from the safety hazard. So that's why in this case some things became zero tolerance policy and maybe Akko you explain that means.

Akko: Yeah. So zero tolerance pretty much means there really isn't a warning.

because we had already told our son ahead of time, or even our daughter, cuz we wanna make sure that the same rules apply to both of them. So if there's any pushing that I see even if it's light then we would have to both go. I would take him to the bleachers or wherever. If it's at home, it's actually at the edge of the bed and I sit with him.

And if it's at park or whatnot, then it's at a bench I just talked to him and I say, okay empathize with him. How were you feeling? Or, were you seem to be upset. Were you upset? You got a little handsy with that kid, and remind him, " , you have to keep your hands to yourself and just talk to him and just go over, I'm not getting mad at him at all.

I'm just literally talking to him as though I'm just talking to you guys right now. And just use less words as possible because I know the more words that. that comes outta my mouth. It's just gonna go over his head. So I try to simplify everything and say it in more simple terms . Say that, hitting is not good and this is why we're sitting on the bench.

And we put our foreheads together and then we take deep breaths so I can co-regulate with him. I could regulate his system a little bit better, and then we just sit there for just a little bit and then he goes back into the playground. , wherever, whatever he was continuing to do.

And this is not to shame him or guilt him in any way. It's really just to give him a little break; the break that he needs because maybe he's overly excited or maybe he's overly stimulated. So we need to just remove him from the situation. And that's usually the case. He's not maliciously pulling, pushing or hitting or, doing all those unwanted behaviors on purpose or maliciously, but.

More so because he's just overly stimulated and just overly excited and he just doesn't know how to contain it, and it comes out physically.

Tamo: Yeah. So again, it's not about being a perfect parent, but rather it's a commitment to continually making adjustments and improving its parents. And this requires us to be flexible and open-minded and always seeking new ways to support and guide our children as they grow and develop. And in our case, Akko, she reached out to her friends. Reached out to coaches.

Akko: Oh yeah.

Tamo: just really not only aside from like the research that's done online, she actually reached out to other people to share her concerns and see how other people have, dealt with specific issue.

Akko: Oh, absolutely. And yeah, I went online, I did all the things like they would tell me like, oh, 12 steps to lessen pushing or hitting or unwanted behavior. And I did most all of it and nothing was working. And we get a warning from school.

And so I'm like, all right, we gotta buckle down now. And obviously I'm not really feeling that good, right? Cuz I'm like, oh my gosh I'm that parent. I got a warning oh my gosh, I feel like I went to the principal's office . It just had that feeling and you're just like, oh my God, and I was feeling defeated.

So yeah, I reached out to. My mom, friends that were going through the same thing, the coaches, and they were all very supportive and I let them know this is my plan. What do you think about it? And these are all coaches and parents that are like-minded.

And so they're all into respectful parenting and conscious parenting. And so that was much easier as far as bouncing ideas back and seeing if what we're doing is line with what we're what we believe.

Tamo: Yeah. And this process of self-reflection and improvement, it can be difficult, especially because it feels man, I failed or as a parent man I've been trying so hard and this is what I get type of feeling, sometimes, but it's all worth it in the long.

and we have to say since implementing these , things have gotten a lot smoother.

Akko: Yeah, absolutely. And our kids are like, oh yeah, they mean business

Tamo: Yeah. And it's not like we are barking orders at them. It's not like that. But they actually respect the boundaries a lot more now too.

And. We've been learning boundaries are a good thing, especially for young children. . And we've been seeing that it's really true. And they're actually a lot more willing to listen to what we have to say. Yeah,

Akko: exactly. And I have to say, it's not like we were just like letting them do what we wanted to do in the past. No. we still had boundaries. It was just a little more flexible. It was just a little more loose in the past.

And, we would just say it in different ways. Give 'em more choices. Now it's a little more strict. We lay out the rules ahead of time and it's, and we tell them, if you don't follow these simple rules, it's not like we give 'em a lot of rules. That's like unheard of simple rules. Then these are the natural consequences that will happen.

Tamo: Yep.

Akko: Or this is what's gonna happen if these things were done. very simple.

Tamo: Yeah. And when we approach parenting with self-awareness and a willingness to learn and grow ourselves, then we a stage for a strong, loving and supporting relationship with our children. And parenting, of course, it's not a one size fits all process and each individual child themselves are different, right? So there's a lot more adjustments that you have to make and you have to customize it to your child. And so it requires us to be even more adaptable, even more open-minded, and even more self-reflective

. As we navigate, the ups and downs of this journey, and by continually striving to become better parents I'm sure that will create a better future for children. For our parent-child relationship.

So to summarize the three steps, it's number one, awareness, becoming aware of the issue. Then number two, admitting when things are not working. And number three is making changes.

Akko: so if you think this episode is helpful for other parents, please share it. And if you haven't, please take a quick moment to subscribe to our show.

Tamo: Now for the question of the day, what methods have you found helpful in becoming more self-reflective and aware as a parent

Akko: we'd love to hear from you. Please come say hi by commenting on our website by going to AKKOANDTAMO.COM. That's A K K O A N D T A M o.com, and clicking on the podcast tab. We're also on Instagram @AKKOANDTAMO. Come say hi to us there.

Tamo: All right, take care.

Akko: Bye.